Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover ?

A rash of good luck.

[Raistlin]

The police were going door to door warning everyone to evacuate because the river was rising.

One door they came to, the man said "GOD will save me".

The river continued to rise and he was forced to move everything to the second floor of his house.

A man in a boat came by and offered to save him.

Again he said "GOD will save me".

Pretty soon the second story was flooded and he was forced to get on the roof of his house.

A helicopter came by and tried to save him and yet again he said "GOD will save me".

It wasn't long before the house was completely covered and the man died and went to heaven.

He confronted God with "Why didn't you save me, GOD?"

God said " I sent you the police, a boat and a helicopter. Why did you stay in the house?"

[Raistlin]

Little Johnny was late for school. When he finally got there his teacher asked, "Why are you late little Johnny ?"

Johnny replied, "My grandpa got burnt, Miss."

The teacher replied, "I hope it wasn't too bad."

Then little Johnny said, "Well the crematorium doesn't muck around!"

[Raistlin]

A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping.

His tears are streaming down his cheeks.

An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him.

"What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying ?"

"It's mean!", the boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday !"

"That's awful indeed !", the lady replied angrily, "Your father is a really nasty !'

"Yes", said the little boy, "He had promised to me that I could do it."

[Raistlin]

Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None

survived.

One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and

laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the

Creator of all.

Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three.

"Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You!

Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could

smoke while the Torah was being read???"

Goldblum shuddered.

God went on. "I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word

is strong!"

Goldblum sighed with relief.

"Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but

really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple

during Yom Kippur?"

Bauman hung his head in shame.

"Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that

which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast

and loose with my people, but I can accept these

indiscretions."

Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief.

Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, "You, Rabinowitz,

have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt

the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and

Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying....

"Closed for the Holiday !!!"

[Raistlin]

Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books, Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna, I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath ? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey, The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

[Raistlin]

May I take your order?" the waiter asked.

"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens ?"

"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

[Raistlin]

Why is a man like a snow fall ?

You never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

[Raistlin]

A woman asks: "Why don't men get mad cow disease ?"

Another woman replies: "Because men are pigs!"

[Raistlin]

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish !" the neighbour said with a smile. "By the way, where is he ?"

"Under the wagon."

[Raistlin]

And Jesus said unto his disciples, "Whom do men say that I am ?"

And His disciples answered unto Him, "Master, thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation of omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute, divine, sacerdotal monarch."

And Jesus said, "Say What?"

[Raistlin]

There was this man in a mental hospital.

All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen.

The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day.

So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened.

He heard nothing.

So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

[Raistlin]

Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks ?

It takes too long to retrain them.

[Raistlin]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

[Raistlin]

Two prisoners were having a chat.

The first one said. "I've go two tickets for the warden's ball, Do you want to buy one ?"

"No thanks, mate," said the second guy. "I can't dance."

"It's not a dance, mate," said the first prisoner. "It's a raffle"

[Raistlin]

Four men got together at a reunion. All of them had sons and they started discussing them.The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned a factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.

The second man said his son was doing just as well.He was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

The third man said his was doing well too.He was a manager at a bank.

Why,just the other day he gave his best friend a the money to buy a house.

The fourth man just shook his head. He said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much.But he must be doing something right because, just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends

[Raistlin]

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are making a movie about the lives of the great composers.

Stallone says "I want to be Mozart."

Schwarzenegger says: "In that case... I'll be Bach."

[Raistlin]

The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young blonde woman.

She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, "Compared to what?"

She held up one finger and asked if I was that big.

I said, "I'm bigger than that."

Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big.

I said, "I'm bigger than that."

Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I

said, "I'm about that big."

She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium."

[Raistlin]

A woman walks into a hardware store and says "I want to buy a hinge."

The clerk says "Do you wanna screw for that hinge ?"

The woman says, "No, but I'll blow you for the toaster."

[Raistlin]

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work.

The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary.

Why do you call her a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl.

She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

[Raistlin]

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait.

Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm.

The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug on his waders.

Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

[Raistlin]

What do you call a blonde lesbian ?

A waste.

[Raistlin]

Unconventional Wisdom

1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when

you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

2. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit

in a boat and drink beer all day.

3. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

4. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

5. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not

follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me alone.

6. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's

newspaper that's the time to do it.

7. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

8. Give a man the fire and you'll keep him warm for one day. Set the man on fire -- and

you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life.

9. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

10. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

11. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

12. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your

help. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windscreen.

14. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

15. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

16. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

17. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

[Raistlin]

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the

police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your

car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The

juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches

masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the

driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test

they're giving now!"

[Raistlin]

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.

The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house ?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do ?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."

"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."