Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between a dog and a fox ?

Eight beers.

[Raistlin]

What are the three words you don't want to hear while making love ?

"Honey, I'm home!"

[Raistlin]

For you girls...

Why is 88 better than 69 ?

You get 8 twice.

[Raistlin]

What do you do when a Rottweiler gets amorous on your leg ?

Fake an orgasm.

[Raistlin]

Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong ?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be ?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do ?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice ?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi

[Raistlin]

A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ...then ... pow! ... it was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked the friend.

"My wife found out ..."

[Raistlin]

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.

"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

[Raistlin]

One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole.

His neighbour, seeing him there, decides to investigate.

"Whatcha doin?" he asked.

Mongo replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."

"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbour.

Mongo shot back, "That's because he's still inside your cat'

[Raistlin]

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man: "What was that for?"

Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"

Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

Man: "What the hell was that for this time?"

Wife: "Your horse called."

[Raistlin]

1. Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.

2. A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

3. "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."

"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

4. What's brown and sticky? A stick.

5. Why are proctologists so gloomy?

They always have the end in sight.

6. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

Roamin' Catholic.

7. What did the Apple say to the orange?

Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.

8. What do you do with a dog that has no legs?

Take him out for a drag.

9. Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.

10. Famous last words of a mafia hitman: "Who put the violin in the violin case?"

11. How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

12. What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

Robin, get in the car.

13. What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.

14. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?

A private tutor.

15. What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit?

A bad hare day.

16. Have you ever seen an elephant hiding behind a flower?

That's because he hides well.

17. What was the centerpiece of the annual

Anorexia and Bulimnia sufferers convention?

A cake jumping out of a girl.

18. Where do kings keep their armies?

In their sleevies.

19. Why don't anteaters get sick?

Because they're full of anty-bodies.

[Raistlin]

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.

The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me ?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"

[Raistlin]

A guy goes into a restaurant wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a tie to gain admission.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have one.

He sees a set of jumper cables in his boot.

In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

[Raistlin]

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office.

"Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work.

"That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go ?"

"Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment, Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex"

"What should I do?" asked Gloria.

Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."

[Raistlin]

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.

I don't like to interrupt her.

[Raistlin]

What do you do in case of fallout ?

Put it back in and take shorter strokes

[Raistlin]

Two burglars broke into a building and stole a calendar.

They both got 6 months.

[Raistlin]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking Battery acid,and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

[Raistlin]

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time.

She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again -- the strain would be too much.

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules.

Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.

This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.

"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering.

"I was about to commit suicide."

"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

[Raistlin]

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time.

She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again -- the strain would be too much.

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules.

Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.

This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.

"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering.

"I was about to commit suicide."

"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

[Raistlin]

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time.

She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again -- the strain would be too much.

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules.

Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.

This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.

"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering.

"I was about to commit suicide."

"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

[Raistlin]

What's a blonde's mating call ?

I think I'm drunk.

[Raistlin]

What do men have in common with toilet bowls, anniversaries, and clitorises ?

They miss them all.

[Raistlin]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[Raistlin]

A man and wife entered a dentist's office.

The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, show me which tooth it is.

The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

[Raistlin]

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish, too.

But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"