Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone's front lawn.

"Look", he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?"

The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex.

Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?"

The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. Its pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."

The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try. The next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks, "Well, how did it go?" To which the driver replies, "It was great.

But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn."

[Raistlin]

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.

The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.

The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?"

Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, ...."My lawyer."

[Raistlin]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune should his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away.

'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit £20 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

[Raistlin]

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an African, an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes,

a homosexual, three social workers, a Jew, a crocodile and a kiwi all walked into a bar.

The bartender turned around and said, "Is this some kind of a joke ?"

[Raistlin]

A lady golfer is stung by a wasp.

She goes to look for the green keeper and finds him.

"I've been stung by a wasp" She says.

" Where did it get you?" He replies

"Between the 1st and 2nd hole"

"I think your stance must be a little too wide"

[Raistlin]

After the lavish wedding reception, the newlyweds retired to their Honeymoon Suite.

The groom turned down the lights and found some nice CDs to stack on the player.

Then he excused himself and returned in pajamas and robe.

He opened a bottle of champagne and poured them each a drink, unaware that his new bride had already had more than enuff to drink.

Finally, he took the girl of his dreams, whom he had wed after a whirl-wind courtship, by the hand and tenderly began to lead her towards the bedroom.

"Damn !" she muttered, "every stinking time I go out with a guy it always ends up the same way."

[Raistlin]

It was the first day of school, and the junior school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year.

While taking the roll, she was told by one boy "My name is Johnny Phochauer".

So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!".

The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Phochauer.

You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"

Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door.

The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class "Do you have a Phochauer in here?"

"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a milk & cookie break"

[Raistlin]

journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall.

Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.

So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks: "You come every day to the wall, How long have you done that and what are you praying for ?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years.

In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man.

I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.

The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."

[Raistlin]

The angry wife met her husband at the door.

His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick.

"I assume," she barked, "there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o'clock in the morning ?"

"There is!" he replied, "Breakfast."

[Raistlin]

A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from her looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically.

He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a monkey. What an ugly kid."

The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing uncontrollably.

The guard sees her and comes over to her to console her.

He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a banana for your monkey."

[Raistlin]

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold ?

Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

[Raistlin]

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

[Raistlin]

How do you sink an Irish submarine ?

Knock on the door.

[Raistlin]

A woman receives flowers from her boyfriend.

She turns to her friend, and says, `Oh, great, Now I'll have to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air.'

`Why ?' says her friend. `Don't you have a vase ?'"

[Raistlin]

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

[Raistlin]

blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild.

Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static," she says.

"Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes.

Which title did you rent?" the clerk replies.

"Head Cleaner," Mary replies.

[Raistlin]

What is green, has four legs and smells like woman ?

The white house's pool table

[Raistlin]

Why are blonde jokes so short ?

So men can remember them

[Raistlin]

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar

in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err,

which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside

to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body

hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on

his stool, looked down at the quivering little man

and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous,

"I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the

hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It 's a four week old puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

[Raistlin]

A blonde sees a brunette standing in the middle of the road.

The brunette keeps saying, "88, 88, 88..."

The blond calls to her as the cars and trucks wizz past.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm counting cars,"comes the reply. "Want to help?"

"Sure!" says the blonde.

She walks out to the middle of the highway to the brunette and starts saying "88, 88, 88.."

All the time the cars are dodging the two woman.

Then a big HG drives by and runs over the blonde.

The brunette calmly walks down the road, picks a new spot, and starts muttering, "89, 89, 89..."

[Raistlin]

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day.

For some reason the mother was unusually quiet.

Finally the husband asked what was wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."

"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."

"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

[Raistlin]

The Tragedy

Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school in North Yorkshire where he looked in on one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'

No,' said Brown........' that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'

'I'm afraid not,' explained Mr. Brown ' that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon Brown searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Mr. Darling was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Brown. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f**king accident either!'

[Raistlin]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course my child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs Limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

The priest answered: 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not Lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The Official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.' Next!

[Raistlin]

The new nun goes to her first confession.

She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wears panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.