Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What if Mother Goose had tendencies and propensities

toward verbosity and prolixity?

jack becomes dexterous,

jack becomes able to attain high velocity,

jack forms a trajectory over the illuminating apparatus of

ozocitereous structure.

Mary was formerly the owner and proprietor of a pygmy Ovis aries,

It possessed an outer wool covering which had the characteristic

pallidness much like that found in the appearance of crystalline

precipitation,

And to each point in space that Mary would venture to,

The aforementioned Ovis aries would participate with a high degree of

certainty.

Diminutive Jack Horner

Was seated at the perpendicular conjunction of three planar surfaces,

Ingesting his baked Yuletide pastry.

He inserted his opposable digit,

And excavated a specimen of genus Prunus,

And remarked, "What a benevolent adolescent I have become!"

Lilliputian damsel Muffet

Was rested upon a squatty seating apparatus,

Ingesting the lacteal substances in her possession.

At this point arrived an arachnid

Which inhabited the immediate vicinity of the maiden,

And, true to the fundamental principles of stimulus and response,

arose trepidation in the damsel with sufficient efficiency so as

to induce the aforementioned maiden to change locale.

[Raistlin]

Gordon Brown or Gordon the Useless One as he is known by some of his colleagues was looking for a lady of the night.

He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, 'I am the Prime Minister of England. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

She replied, £200.'

To the brunette he asked the same question.

Her reply was £100.

He then asked the redhead

Her reply was, 'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of petrol, keep me warmer than it is in my flat and screw me the way you have Pensioners, then it isn't going to cost you a penny'

[Raistlin]

Three newly incarcerated convicts are discussing how they will pass their time in jail.

The first one pulls out a harmonica and says "I can play all my favorite songs on this."

The second takes out a deck of cards. "I can play poker with myself with these."

The third gets out a box of tampons.

"Well, it says on here that with these I can go swimming, horseback riding, cycling, ..."

[Raistlin]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' University of Bristol'

And they say blondes are dumb...

[Raistlin]

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

[Raistlin]

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

[Raistlin]

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(Because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(They don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(They don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(You need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(Dont know.....it never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between erotic and kinky ?

Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.

[Raistlin]

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese.

A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable.

So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing.

The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my Wang against the table?"

The crew burst laughing.

So the navigator pulled his Wang out and whammed it on the table.

Just when the Wang hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart.

The only survivors were the captain and the navigator.

As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?"

The navigator told him.

The captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that Wang of yours.

The torpedo missed!"

[Raistlin]

There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer.

Up walks a so called "lady of the night".

She says, "For £300.00, I'll do anything you want."

Our fine lad thinks for a moment then says:

Ok. Paint my house, bitch!

[Raistlin]

How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead ?

She unties you.

[Raistlin]

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up.

Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually,

so she put an ad in the classifieds: Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed.

About a week later, her doorbell rings.

She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch.

"I'm here about your ad," he says.

"You must be mistaken," she says.

"Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away because I don't have any legs."

"But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed ?"

"I rang the doorbell, didn't I ?"

[Raistlin]

A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with one dragging on the ground", said the youngest daughter.

[Raistlin]

When the milkman found a note on one of his customer's doors asking for 16 gallons instead of the usual quart, he rang the bell.

"Sorry to bother you, ma'am," he said, "but are you sure you want sixteen gallons of milk today ?"

"Oh, yes," said the lady of the house. "I'm going to take a milk bath."

"Do you want it pasteurized ?"

"No, just up to my tits would be fine."

[Raistlin]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

[Raistlin]

A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat.

They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."

The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game." The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play.

"I'll show you how."

He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the American.

"That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much like Russian roulette."

"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."

[Raistlin]

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news.

The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor.

The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you'd like.

The man's brain costs £100,000.00 and the woman's brain costs "£30,000.00."

The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?"

The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."

[Raistlin]

A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night.

He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose.

He was very self conscious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance.

"Would you like to dance with me?"he asked.

She replied "Would I!", and he sneered and told her,"BIG NOSE!"

[Raistlin]

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?

Just when it's getting interesting they are finished until next time...

[Raistlin]

AMNESIA:

Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.

[Raistlin]

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

[Raistlin]

A fellow was shipwrecked with six lovely women who in a short time were fighting over his attentions.

They held a meeting to resolve the problem and decided that each would have his services on a different day of the week, with Sundays off for him.

In due time the guy was dragging himself through the week, looking forward to Sunday.

As he lay an the beach one day he saw a dot floating on the sea which as it got closer turned out to be a man on a raft. With his last ounce of strength he swam out, pulled the raft ashore, gave the occupant CPR and as he came around said to him; "Oh man, am I ever glad to see you!

"Goodness gracious, am I ever glad to see you too"

said the raft rider in a swishy way.

With a shrug of resignation the guy said... "Oh damn, there goes my Sundays!"

[Raistlin]

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie.

It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner, "***** mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!"

"Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply. "He hated the book."

[Raistlin]

Wise thoughts on everything

1. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

2. Life is sexually transmitted.

3. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

4. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him

a sandwich.

5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet

and they won't bother you for weeks.

6. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't

help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing...

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred pounds and a substantial tax cut

saves you thirty pence?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and

people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that

it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. You read about all these Terrorists most of them came here legally, but they hung

around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to

Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I

think we should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration & Homeland Security.

[Raistlin]

How do you know you're leading a sad life?

When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."