Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce."

"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"

"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.

"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."

"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago."

[Raistlin]

What sexual position makes an ugly baby?

Ask your mom!

[Raistlin]

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--"

His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

[Raistlin]

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six

double vodka."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same

drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came

back,

"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six

double vodkas.

The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

[Raistlin]

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached,

they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never

before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father

for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the

success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly

feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as

often as possible,and always wear socks, even to bed." Well,

to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her

problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up

in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the

morning."

"No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm

afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room

with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight

out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While

the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush

your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed

your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter

asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice

each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with

her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until

about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the

husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had

come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches

the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking,

she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

[Raistlin]

At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young

man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and

everything.

When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his

fork, held it up and smirked: 'Is this pig?'

Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: 'Which end of

the fork are you referring to?'

[Raistlin]

There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent.

After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez "Well... what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife ?"

"Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees." he bragged and took another sip of beer.

His friends were amazed ! "What happened then ?" they asked, almost in unison.

"Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man !' " he admitted.

[Raistlin]

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.

"In fact, three doctors are there already!"

[Raistlin]

Why do Jewish Women go for circumcised men?

Because they can't refuse anything with 10% off.

[Raistlin]

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.

"Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."

[Raistlin]

That husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbour.

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add.

What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"

[Raistlin]

What can you assume when you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in cement

Someone ran out of cement.

[Raistlin]

Joe still enjoyed chasing girls when he got to be 70.

When his wife was asked if she minded, she answered, "Why should I be upset?

Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive."

[Raistlin]

A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession:

"Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh.

Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs.

Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates."

"B*STARD!" cried the Mother Superior.

"For years he told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it."

[Raistlin]

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children.

Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. T

hen he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

[Raistlin]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.

Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

[Raistlin]

What's a definition of a gynecologist?

Gynecologist is a person who looks for problems in a place where most people find pleasure

[Raistlin]

Phone answering machine message:

"...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts?

He got 16 months.

[Raistlin]

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?

To get away from the noise.

[Raistlin]

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?

He's breathing.

[Raistlin]

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church.

I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic.

I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"

[Raistlin]

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries.

After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

[Raistlin]

Did you know that the night Santa first met his future wife he uttered the now famous words:

"Yes, that is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to meet you."

[Raistlin]

How do you embarrass an archeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.