Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

How to Know You Are Growing Older

1. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

2. The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

3. You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.

4. Your little black book contains only names ending in M. D.

5. You get winded playing cards.

6. You join a health club and don't go.

7. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

8. You look forward to a dull evening.

9. You need glasses to find your glasses.

10. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

11. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

12. Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.

13. Your back goes out more than you do.

14. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine chest.

15. You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there.

16. YOU WONDER WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T USE THIS SIZE PRINT.

[Raistlin]

Why Coffee is Better than Women

1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.

2. Coffee doesn't complain when you've put whipped cream in it.

3. Coffee looks better in the morning.

4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.

5. You can always warm coffee up.

6. Coffee comes with endless refills.

7. Coffee is cheaper.

8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.

9. Coffee never runs out.

10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.

12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.

13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.

14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.

15. Coffee smells and tastes good.

16. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.

17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.

18. You can always get fresh coffee.

19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it will be hot when you get back.

20. They sell coffee at police stations.

21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

22. Coffee goes down easier.

23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.

24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

25. A big cup or a small cup? It doesn't matter.

26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.

27. Coffee smells good in the morning.

28. Coffee smells good when it's cold too.

29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.

30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.

[Raistlin]

This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!"

She says, "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care...Just get out!"

[Raistlin]

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.

So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

[Raistlin]

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it" the priest replied.

The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue.

He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the exhaust pipe.

[Raistlin]

A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband the bad news that she has only 18 hours to live. "That's terrible!!!" said her husband, "What would you like to do during your last hours ? I'll try to make it as memorable as possible for you."

"Well," she said, "First, I want to take a long romantic walk, then have a quiet dinner at my favorite restaurant and then go to bed with you and make passionate love all night long !"

"Gee, Honey." said her husband, "I don't know about that 'all night long' stuff. After all, I'm gonna have to get up in the morning and you won't"

[Raistlin]

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her.

Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."

Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

[Raistlin]

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.

Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator.

She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colour did not suit you.

Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.

Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?"

[Raistlin]

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the

night.

"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young

mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."

The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door,

the phone rang again.

"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of

relief. "My husband just found another one."

[Raistlin]

A blonde at a party was telling her friend that she was off men for life.

"They lie, they cheat and they're just no good. From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my vibrator"

"So, what when the batteries run out?" asked her friend

"I'll just fake an orgasm like always."

[Raistlin]

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority:

a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

[Raistlin]

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask?

"Why does it work?"

What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask?

"How does it work?"

What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask?

"How much will it cost?"

What does a graduate student with a media & arts degree ask?

"Do you want fries with that?"

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a duck and a cow?

They both swim, except for the cow.

[Raistlin]

How can you spot a tough Lesbian Bar ?

Even the pool tables don't have balls.

[Raistlin]

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.

They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.

It identifies that American Indians have the longest average tool size and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.

By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

[Raistlin]

The doctor took Bill into the room and said, "Bill, I have some good news and some bad news."

Bill said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

[Raistlin]

Twenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are told

to seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that are

under their wives control and they other for those that control

their wives.

After the men seperate one of the angels notices that their are

nineteen men in the first line and only one in the second.

The angel walks up to the man and asks why he was so sure of his

independence.

"That's easy," said the fellow, "My wife told me to stand here!"

[Raistlin]

At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20.

Grandpa's doctor tried to explain that at his age sex with a young girl could be dangerous, even fatal.

Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbed replied "Oh well, if she dies, I'll just get myself another one."

[Raistlin]

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace.

He sat down and asked his mate what happened.

"Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend.

"Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too.

Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand.

T here was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white.

So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball.

I called out to the chick and said, 'Lady, does this look like yours?' And the bitch hit me with her driver!"

[Raistlin]

Woman, "Slow down, foreplay is an art."

Man, "Well, if you don't get your canvas arranged soon, I'm going to spill my paint !"

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between men and pigs ?

Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

[Raistlin]

Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen?

That's the proper place to wash vegetables.

[Raistlin]

Man walks into a supermarket and buys :

1 bar of soap

1 toothbrush

1 tube toothpaste

1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk

1 single serving cereal

1 single serving frozen dinner

The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?"

The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"

She replies "because you're ugly."

[Raistlin]

Dictionary of Musical Terms

JAZZ : Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.

BLUES : Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.

WORLD music : A dozen different types of percussion all going at once.

OPERA : People singing when they should be talking.

RAP : People talking when they should be singing.

CLASSICAL : Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.

FOLK : Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.

BIG BAND : 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.

HEAVY METAL : Codpiece and chaps

HOUSE music : OK as long as it's not the house next door.

[Raistlin]

*ring* *ring*

"Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, "Hello?"

"I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whispered huskily, "...undress you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you until morning."

"Geez," the woman replied, "you can tell all that from two hello's?"