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Posted

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out"

Posted

A traveling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes.

The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past.

"Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races and won over £5 million.

I keep my trophies in the barn."

The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.

"Oh, you don't want that horse," said the farmer.

"Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you £10,000 for the horse."

Recognising a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."

While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, "By the way, why wouldn't I want your horse?"

"Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his life."

Posted

Why are there so many Jones's in the phone book ?

Because they all have phones.

Posted

Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible experience she'd had the previous night with this bloke she brought home.

"Well, what happened when you got there?" Jill asked "The rat called me a slut!" Mary said.

"And what did you do then?" Jill asked, shocked.

"I told him to get out of my bedroom and take his eight mates with him!" Mary said.

Posted

There is a new virus.

The code name is WORK.

If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances.

This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take five friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your system.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.

Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.

If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends.

I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar anyway...it never hurts to be safe.


Posted

Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. "Paddy," says Murphy, "I've got a problem."

"What's the matter?" replies Paddy "Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks Paddy "It's of a big cockerel," Murphy replies.

Paddy says, "Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look."

He gets to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door. "Oh thanks for coming Paddy." He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.

Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, "For God's sake Murphy, put the cornflakes back in the packet."

Posted

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Posted

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes.

Then when you do criticize that person, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

Posted

When is premature ejaculation a serious problem?

When it occurs between "hello" and "what's your sign?"

Posted

If the bird of wisdom is an owl, and the bird of peace is the dove, what is the bird of TRUE love?

The Swallow.

Posted

> >> A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to

> >> his priest, 'I

> >> almost had an affair with another woman.'

> >>

> >> The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

> >>

> >> The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed

> >> together, but then I

> >> stopped.'

> >>

> >> The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as

> >> putting it in.'

> >>

> >> 'You're not to see that woman again. For your

> >> penance, say five Hail Mary's

> >> and put $50 in the poor box.'

> >>

> >> The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and

> >> then walked over

> >> to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to

> >> leave.

> >>

> >> The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him

> >> saying, 'I saw that!

> >> You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

> >>

> >> The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on

> >> the box, and according

> >> to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

> >>

Posted

> >> There once was a religious young woman who went to

> >> Confession.

> >>

> >> Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me

> >> Father, for I have

> >> sinned.'

> >>

> >> The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be

> >> forgiven.'

> >>

> >> The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad

> >> passionate love to

> >> me seven times.'

> >>

> >> The priest thought long and hard and then said,

> >> 'Squeeze seven lemons into a

> >> glass and then drink the juice.'

> >>

> >> The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my

> >> sins?'

> >>

> >> The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off

> >> of your face.'

Posted

> >> Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a

> >> pet dog for

> >> company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the

> >> parish priest and

> >> asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be

> >> sayin' a mass for the poor

> >> creature?'

> >>

> >> Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot

> >> have services for an

> >> animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the

> >> lane, and there's

> >> no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do

> >> something for the creature.'

> >>

> >> Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya

> >> think $5,000 is enough to

> >> donate to them for the service?'

> >>

> >> Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!

> >> Why didn't ya tell

> >> me the dog was Catholic?'

Posted

> >> An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following

> >> conversation ensues:

> >>

> >> Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70

> >> years, many children,

> >> grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked

> >> up two college

> >> girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex

> >> with each of them

> >> three times.'

> >>

> >> Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

> >>

> >> Man: 'What sins?'

> >>

> >> Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

> >>

> >> Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

> >>

> >> Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

> >>

> >> Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling

> >> everybody!'*


Posted

Hope you don't mind my intrusion :unsure:

I just thought that these were too good not to be shared :lol::thumbsup:

Posted
Hope you don't mind my intrusion :unsure:

I just thought that these were too good not to be shared :lol::thumbsup:

Thats very true :D I already posted them but they were worth reading again :lol:

Posted

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.

"How am I doing?" He asks.

"Three knots," she replies.

"Three knots? What's that mean?"

"You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."

Posted

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

Posted

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out.

He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice.

"Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend." the young thing replied.

All of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits.

After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I don't hear any angels singing!"

"Of course not reverend." she said. Your not plugged in yet."

Posted

At court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.

The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."

The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with Battery."

The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"

Posted

Frivolous Old Gal

I have become a little older since I last saw you and a few changes have come into my life.

Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day.

As soon as I wake up Will Power helps me get out of bed.

Then I go see John.

Next, Charlie Horse comes along and when he is here, he takes a lot of time and attention.

When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day.

He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life! Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

P.S.

The preacher came to call the other day.

He said that at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do all the time.

No matter where I am: in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, now what am I hereafter?"

Posted

The Company Commander and the Sgt, were in the field.

As they hit the sack for the night, the Sgt said: "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

The CO said "I see millions of stars."

Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

CO: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Sgt?"

Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."

Posted

Two nuns are walking down an alley when two guys jump out of the dark.

They start raping the nuns and the first nun says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do!"

The second one says, "This one does!"

Posted

In a recent scientific research project, it was proved that Beer contains the female hormone oestrogen.

That's why after a six pack you can't drive.

Posted

You're An EXTREME Redneck When....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is 'out of your league' bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom provided babysitters.

10. You think the last words of the 'Star-Spangled Banner' are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

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