Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I was trying to impress my date last night.

I said, "I'll have to take you a spin in my Ferrari some day."

She smiled, "How about now?"

I said, "Sorry, it's in the shop."

She asked, "Oh, what's wrong with it?"

I replied, "Nothing, I just haven't bought it yet."

[Raistlin]

As a fire fighter, I believe in solidarity with my colleagues.

For our strike tonight, I've offered to shuttle them all between their homes and respective fire stations.

In my taxi.

[Raistlin]

Joe Hart doesn't even realise he's been dropped.

Pellegrini has told him but it went straight over his head

[Raistlin]

Fire broke out on a bus in India.

40 rapists are confirmed dead.

[Raistlin]

I've been playing celebrity Yew Tree bingo with today's arrest I've got them all.

Now I get to shout "House Party!"

[Raistlin]

Man found hanged in his flat, 8 years after committing suicide.

Sort of proves his point really.

[Raistlin]

I'm not saying I live in a posh area

But following Halloween, I've been washing quail eggs off my front door.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: "Storm blows man under taxi"

Professor X is seriously considering her place in the X-Men.

[Raistlin]

The lead singer of the Arctic Monkeys has postponed their upcoming concerts after he was struck down with laryngitis.

According to reports, he can't sing a note.

Plus he's got laryngitis.

[Raistlin]

There's been a lot of changes in the past year, so the wife and I started going to marriage counselling.

"Look at you, sitting there in your short skirt, high heels and your fake boobs, it's disgusting."

"I am what I am," I replied.

[Raistlin]

"Please don't make me daddy. I don't like it!" My son whined, trying to wriggle free, "It smells of pee and tastes disgusting."

"That's a horrible thing to say!" I scolded, "Now stop being so silly and go and give your Nana a kiss."

[Raistlin]

E-Bay sorry over Holocaust listings and remove items.

Just like it never happened.

[Raistlin]

My mum walked in on me and my sister having sex.

"You two sicken me, what you're doing is totally disgusting!" She screamed.

"I totally agree" came my dads voice from the wardrobe.

[Raistlin]

How would you like it? Asked the judge at my rape trial.

Apparently, with bigger tits and less struggle was the wrong answer.

[Raistlin]

Why are there no women drivers in Formula One?

Because you can't change a fracked gearbox in seven seconds.

[Raistlin]

Almost 85% of the Welsh population have admitted to having sex with sheep.

The other 15% are dirty, lying, sheep-shagging bastards.

[Raistlin]

My beautiful lesbian daughter turned up out of the blue with her stunning partner.

"Hello daddy," she said, "we are in town and wondered if we could stay a few days."

"It's going to cost me," I said.

"No, daddy, as you can see, we are all grown up now."

"Yeah, I meant for a camera crew."

[Raistlin]

Apparently the new Kindle paper white is light enough to hold in one hand.

Like a book then...

[Raistlin]

I'm sitting at home with a broken nose and three teeth missing.

Apparently my mates were wrong when they said my sister was a slut.

[Raistlin]

Real men don't wear pink!

They eat it...

[Raistlin]

Looted Nazi art worth one billion dollars has been recovered.

eBay is said to be reconsidering its position on Nazi memorabilia.

[Raistlin]

So, a terror suspect has managed to evade police by walking into a mosque, changing into a burka and walking straight past police waiting outside.

That's like bank robbers getting away by walking into the bank completely undisguised, then leaving in a balaclava.

[Raistlin]

I really regret constantly telling my family "Health is better than wealth".

My millionaire uncle died and left me his treadmill in his will.

[Raistlin]

So here it is again, November the 5th, Bonfire night.

The one night of the year when the whole of the UK comes together with the lighting of bonfires, the letting off of fireworks and the burning of an effigy of Guy Fawkes, in celebration of the last time the British Government found Weapons of Mass Destruction.

[Raistlin]

I'm not looking forward to the fireworks tonight.

I'm going to tell the wife I'm leaving her for her sister.