Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

The fourth UFO in a month has now been seen above Cheshire, making them more reliable than Virgin Trains.

[Raistlin]

My daughter just moved in with her boyfriend, and I miss her so much.

Especially when I'm playing naked twister by my self.

[Raistlin]

I used to be in a band called 'Dog Whistle' - we split up because no one has heard of us.

[Raistlin]

I hate having to pretend to be a hard man around my idiot mates.

Dave's the worst, I can't say anything without him accusing me of being a 'wuss' or 'fairy'.

Then again he's been acting like such a bitch since he got those fancy new work boots and to be fair are to die for.

But I'll never tell him that..........again.

[Raistlin]

A 28 year old drama teacher got sacked this week because her sexually explicit texts to a student affected his studies so much, he had to re-sit his exams.

In a clean pair of pants.

[Raistlin]

After being made redundant it was heartbreaking when my five year old asked if Santa would be bringing any Christmas presents this year.

Selfish little bitch, always thinking about herself.

[Raistlin]

Whenever I'm asked about my job, I tell people I'm in 'middle management'.

It sounds less gay than saying I'm an agent for weight watchers.

[Raistlin]

You think your existence is futile?

I teach high school French in Glasgow.

[Raistlin]

I got my camera out when I spotted my 19-year-old next door neighbour washing the family car dressed only in a bikini.

He'll never live this down.

[Raistlin]

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford finally had to admit to having smoked crack cocaine following revelations that police had a video showing him taking the drug.

Now a new video has surfaced showing him in a rage, using threatening words including "kill" and "murder".

The mayor told reporters he was "extremely, extremely inebriated".

Despite these revelations, his popularity has actually risen!

In an attempt further increase his popularity and secure his position as Mayor, he is currently working on a snuff video.

[Raistlin]

My wife is chilling with a bottle of wine.

She's dead in the fridge.

[Raistlin]

I dropped a glass on the kitchen floor, but I tried to see the positive side.

It was only half broken.

[Raistlin]

Jesy Nelson from Little Mix reminds me of a car crash.

You know it's nasty but you can't help looking.

[Raistlin]

Sometimes to impress Girls,

I use big words, that I don't fully understand, in an effort to sound more photosynthesis.

[Raistlin]

I invented a device that religiously records every single thing you see, say and do throughout your life in minute detail.

The idea being that you can look back at how dull and boring it is and then do something to improve it.

Then I found out Facebook had beaten me to it.

[Raistlin]

Star Wars auditions are being held in Norwich..

The producers figure they won't have to spend any of the budget on make up.

[Raistlin]

I discovered today that I have super powers... I can make myself invisible.

All I have to do, is walk around tesco with a trolley, and people get in my way as if I'm not even there

[Raistlin]

I couldn`t be bothered to do Movember but I am looking forward to chopping my Wife up for Dismember.

[Raistlin]

'A woman's work is never done.'

That's why they earn less.

[Raistlin]

I'm in the dog house again.

My wife said, "All of the crockery is broken, what did you do with it?"

I replied, "1200 spin, 90 degrees, cotton wash."

[Raistlin]

I just found out my wife's been having one night stands all over the town.

It certainly explains all the suicides.

[Raistlin]

Lying is dangerous.

If you repeat the same one often enough, it can become a religion.

[Raistlin]

I met this dwarf called Peter the other day, he's a baker and he was telling me all about baking flatbreads, it was fascinating.

I love the Pita patter of tiny Pete.

[Raistlin]

BT Sport have secured the rights to screen all Champions League football as of 2015.

Their 10 viewers are said to be over the moon at the news

[Raistlin]

Scientist have used state of the art eye-tracking technology to prove that men really do ogle women's bodies.

They could have just checked my browsing history.