Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I can't help think that operation Yewtree team were all watching Channel 5, Top 50 children's programmes of all time last night!

[Raistlin]

I find it much more pleasant watching tv nowadays, since we bought one of those wafer-thin LCD HD ones to replace our old, boxy telly.


There's no photo of the wife sat on top of it.

[Raistlin]

I feel terrible about the news of the dock closures in Portsmouth.

20,000 prostitutes thrown out of work.

[Raistlin]

"BT Sport announces an exclusive three-year deal to broadcast live Champions League and Europa League football matches in the UK."

Man Utd fans have now cancelled their subscription and are opting for the history channel instead.

[Raistlin]

With the closure of the historic dock yards in Portsmouth, the Royal Navy has said their new warships will be the greenest ever and made from recycled materials.

Empty Tennents cans.

[Raistlin]

My Irish neighbour still gets enraged about the historical potato famine.

Surprising as it must of been a struggle to find the chip for his shoulder.

[Raistlin]

I got into a taxi and told the driver to take me to a place fifty miles away.

When we arrived, I got him to sit for an hour with the engine running, then told him to take me home.

When we got back he asked, "What was the purpose of that journey?"

I replied, "It was just cheaper than sitting in the house with the heating on."

[Raistlin]

I knew it was going to be at least an hour long ride into work today because I had to take the bus.

So to help pass the time, I whipped out my iPod, untangled the ear-buds, and I was there....

[Raistlin]

As my wife was laying on her deathbed, I couldn't help but think to myself,

"I can't believe I married a goth."

[Raistlin]

Not sure the terror suspect who managed to slip past police when he fled a mosque in a woman's burka really thought it through - pretty certain being a transvestite is punishable by death according to the Quran.

[Raistlin]

Had to go to the wife's Weightwatchers' family Christmas party last night and after managing to lose over four stone, the wife was the centre of attention in her new red dress.


All the kids thought she was Santa.

[Raistlin]

A campaigner stopped me on the street and said, "Do you agree that pop music videos nowadays should be given ratings?"

I replied, "They already are, If I shoot my load in under a minute I give them five stars on YouTube."

[Raistlin]

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

[Raistlin]

Doctors have given Argentina's socialist President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner medical clearance to return to work, after she suffered a blood clot on the brain.

Note to CIA: Must Try Harder.

[Raistlin]

"Give me your car keys." I said to my mate. "We've been drinking all day and there's no way I'm letting you drive pissed."

"You're a good pal to me." he said.

"I know. Where can I drop you?"

[Raistlin]

ScotRail has brought in a 'no alcohol on trains after 8pm' policy.

I'll bet that isn't popular with the drivers.

[Raistlin]

In a recent survey 10,00 men said they would never have sex with Jordan, again.

[Raistlin]

Bringing on Bendtner when you're 1-0 down to Man Utd is like throwing a toaster in the bath whilst you're drowning

[Raistlin]

Sexual stimulation.

If you build it, they will cum.

[Raistlin]

Just been to a very moving Jewish remembrance service.

And it was only a fiver to get in.

[Raistlin]

I picked up a prostitute last night and took her back to my place.

As we undressed she said, "You know, this is a funny business. I basically let my punters pay to rape me."

I replied, "Well, I'm nothing like those other punters. I've no intention of paying you."

[Raistlin]

As my wife lay there, handcuffed to the bed, covered in semen with a buttplug hanging out of her anus, two things occurred to me.

Firstly since I took her virginity all those years ago, she had become more uninhibited in the bedroom than I could have ever anticipated.

Secondly, she had clearly forgotten that I was going to be home early.

[Raistlin]

In bed last night my wife said she'd like something big and black that would take her breath a away.

So I've bought her a giant bin liner.

[Raistlin]

I see Miley Cyrus has been "causing controversy" again.

The only thing she could do that would shock me is test negative for herpes.

[Raistlin]

As winter is approaching I thought it best to get my ageing heating system checked.

"Any issues?" I asked the expert.

"No, never seen a system this age in such good condition it's remarkable."

"Any advice?"

"Yes, " he said, " get a divorce."

"A divorce? What on Earth for."

"Your wife is obviously screwing a plumber."