Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

After her recent publicity stunts, Miley Cyrus is planning something really shocking for next year..

She's gonna leave her clothes on.

[Raistlin]

Well I have sent my two pounds month off to help stop child cruelty, but I don't think it has made a blind bit of difference.

The little bastards are still putting dog shit through my letterbox and slashing my tyres.

[Raistlin]

I finally got around to watching the controversial "Wrecking Ball" video by Miley Cyrus.

All things considered, the most offensive thing in that video was her singing voice.

[Raistlin]

I see Bruce Willis and Whoopee Goldberg are working on a movie which combines two of their most popular big-screen roles:

'Old Habits Die Hard" premieres next month.

[Raistlin]

I sponsor a Filipino child and I was very upset after reading his letter about how his family are all dead.

His spelling was dreadful.

[Raistlin]

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.

[Raistlin]

The world is £4 trillion in debt.

Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?

[Raistlin]

On hearing the news Katie Price is pregnant again Frankie Boyle has sent her a thank you letter and started planning a new tour.

[Raistlin]

I have just been made aware of the horrific financial cost caused by Typhoon Haiyan.

Our house-maid has asked if I can lend her the air fare so she can fly home to find her family.

[Raistlin]

I got home from the pub a bit pissed with my mate Dave and my wife was still up dressed in very seductive underwear. I looked at her and licked my lips,

"Do you fancy a hot sandwich with me and Dave here?"

She blushed a little and replied,

"Yes, ok then. I'm up for it."

"Brilliant," I said. "Three bacon and egg it is then."

[Raistlin]

Lady Gaga has gone completely naked in her new video. She probably got sick of people saying that she has a penis.

I think we should leave the poor girl alone now.

May I be the first person to say that Emma Watson has a penis.

[Raistlin]

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks.

She said Shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants.

I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

[Raistlin]

he wears my t-shirt to bed. She wears my jacket when she's cold. She'll even wear my boxers.

But when I wear her panties one time, I have 'serious mental issues' and I have 'overstepped my boundaries'.

[Raistlin]

In the light of the horrific hurricane in the Philippines, President Benigno Aquino III has appeared on TV to thank the British public for their donations and government aid money in these hard times of austerity.

He promised to use it to send a rocket to Mars to cheer everyone up.

[Raistlin]

Jenna Jameson is returning to porn, saying that she's doing it for her children.

Jammy bastards. My mum won't even get undressed in front of me.

[Raistlin]

My wife came home from toddler group in tears.

"All the mothers there hate me," she sobbed. "They stare and point and make comments about me behind my back."

"There there," I consoled her. "Maybe you shouldn't go back until we have children."

[Raistlin]

What's white and runs down windows?

The entire Apple Co. board of directors

[Raistlin]

An ice cream van driver from my area has been arrested for years of sadistically abusing the young boys who worked for him.

Police have not named the man, for legal reasons.

I bet it was that Mr Whippy.

[Raistlin]

"You're so thick." I passed comment to my wife while watching a factional documentary.

"No I'm not," she replied, "I know loads of facts."

"Okay," I smiled, "If you're so clever. Which brothers invented flying?"

"The Wright brothers." She replied.

"Wow!" I said amazed, "How on earth did you know that the Wright brothers invented flight?"

"Easy," she replied, smuggly, "we'd all be dead if the wrong brothers invented it."

[Raistlin]

I walked up to a guy on the train and said, "Ticket please."

He said, "You're not the conductor."

I said, "I know, he's coming now and I haven't got one."

[Raistlin]

As I stood swaying from side to side at the British Airways ticket desk last night, the guy looked at me and said, "Can I help?"

"Yes," I slurred, unzipping my superman costume and my pulling my wallet out, "One ticket to Amsterdam please."

"You're unable to fly, sir." he replied, "You're far too drunk."

I said, "I know mate, that's why I'm getting a plane."

[Raistlin]

She texted me: "Your adorable."

I replied: "No. YOU'RE adorable."

Now she likes me.

All I did was point out her typo.

[Raistlin]

Spare a thought for the 1000s of sex tourists caught up in the Philippines, unable to have sex with underage teenagers.

[Raistlin]

McFly and Busted a super group?

That's like combining the Tories and Lib Dems and calling them a government

[Raistlin]

The key to a successful relationship is plenty of sex.

That's why me and wife get on so well.

I've been shagging her sister for years.