Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What's the least-used sentence in the English language?

"Isn't that FlexyDevon's Porsche?"

[Raistlin]

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there.

He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.

He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.

Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there.

He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.

The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was that all about?"

[Raistlin]

A man took his wife to the doctors.

After a short examination the doctor said "Your wife's mind has completely gone!"

To which the man replied "I'm not surprised.

She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!"

[Raistlin]

I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

[Raistlin]

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

[Raistlin]

A hill country husband from Devon died and left everything to his wife.

He put a provision in his will though that she couldn't touch any of it until she turned 14.

[Raistlin]

Did you hear that Lindsay Lohan has a new line of sneakers "coming out" ?

They're called "dykeees".

They have a longer than normal tongue and you can get them off with one finger.

[Raistlin]

What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?

Nothing, there's some things even a pig won't do!

[Raistlin]

"I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."

"What is she doing?", the pal asks.

"Waiting for me to get home."

[Raistlin]

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster.

Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell.

A farmer appeared.

The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

[Raistlin]

This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above

"You will live to be 100."

She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100."

Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live!

So off she went to the plastic surgeon.

She got everything fixed from head to toe.

When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven.

She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100, I was supposed to have had 40 more years.

So how come you let the bus kill me?".

God said: "Sorry I didn't recognize you".

[Raistlin]

At the Doctor's a young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."

"What do you mean?" said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."

Then she touched her right earlobe.

"Ow, even THAT hurts."

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger."

[Raistlin]

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.

He came across two men.

One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

[Raistlin]

Morris was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring.

He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said 'N I L'.

White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity ,The Blessed Emptiness, and The Big Zero in the Sky.

Morris turned to a white-robed observer beside him and whispered, .... ...... "Is Nothing Sacred?"

[Raistlin]

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small cut she just received.

She asked her mom for a glass of cider.

"Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.

"To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl.

Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.

The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink. "It doesn't work!" she yelled.

"What do you mean?" asked Mom.

"Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a pryck in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

[Raistlin]

During the Six Day War, this division of Arabs is making its way across

the burning desert sands towards Israel, when the Arab commander, bouncing

along in his jeep, spots an aged Israeli on top a distant sand dune.

The commander drops his binoculars and shouts orders to a foot soldier to run

up ahead and kill the infidel Israeli. The soldier sprints ahead of the

advancing troops, and soon disappears over the sand dune. The general

stops the troops and waits to see what happens.

Nothing happens. The commander sends a whole platoon of soldiers to

investigate. All twelve Arabs disappear over the sand dune, never to be

seen again. The now-slightly-anxious commander dispatches 3 tanks to find

out just what in the heck is going on, and they disappear over the dune,

too. Sweat pours down the commander's forehead as he orders his entire

division to overrun the solitary Israeli behind the sand dune.

But just then, the first soldier reappears on the distant sand dune and

cups his hands to his lips. "Go back!" he shouts. "Go back! It's

hopeless-- there's TWO of them!"

[Raistlin]

What can you assume when you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in cement

Someone ran out of cement.

[Raistlin]

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.

The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that?

What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache'

and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'

[Raistlin]

Two English sheep in a field.

One says to the other "I'm not feeling very well"

The other turns around and replies

"Shut up, or you'll get us all killed"

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

[Raistlin]

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

[Raistlin]

Three lawyers met at an upscale nightspot for drinks one Friday night,

got real plastered and met with unfortunate results on their way home.

On Saturday, they were comparing notes during a round of golf.

Lawyer 1 said he had gotten so drunk that he became disoriented and

was very sick. When he arrived home he said that he was in such bad

shape that he even blew chunks.

Lawyer 2 said he thought he had an even worse experience. He lost

control of his new BMW and totaled it by driving it into a utility

pole. Fortunately, he wasn't injured in the crash.

Lawyer 3 claimed his experience was the worst. He said when he got

home his girlfriend was so annoyed at him for being out late that she

started throwing things at him. She totally destroyed a Ming dynasty

vase that had an appraised value of over a half a million dollars.

Then she went into the garage and started up his new Ferrari after

dumping sugar in the petrol tank.

Lawyer 1 was standing there just shaking his head and crying

uncontrollably. The other two asked him what was the matter. He said,

"You guys just don't understand - "Chunks" is my dog!"

[Raistlin]

The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable.

The three of them decide to duck inside.

On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.

"Jesus !" he says.

Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better than Clyde!"

[Raistlin]

When the formal private briefing of the attractive new teacher by the vice-principal was finished, the vice-principal took a few puffs on his pipe and said, "I have an informal piece of advice for you, Miss Bell.

There's only one way you can get along in this school without submitting to the sexual advances of the principal."

"Oh my God! Well, er, what was is that?"

"I'll explain it, " he continued, "as soon as you've undressed."

[Raistlin]

The doctor said to the housewife, "I've got good news and I've got bad news.

The good news is you don't have PMS.

The bad news is - you're a bitch!"