Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

When it comes to women, I win every single argument using logic and reasoning.

As long as they don't show me their tits.

[Raistlin]

I watched as a traffic warden put a ticket on Miranda Harts car today, and I must admit for once I was able to laugh at her.

[Raistlin]

Canada sends Disaster Recovery Expert, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, to manage the growing crisis in the Philippines.

[Raistlin]

A Francis Bacon painting has been sold in New York for 89 million pounds making it the most expensive bacon ever sold narrowly beating the bacon in M&S Chicken, Bacon & Mushroom Pies pound for pound.

[Raistlin]

E. L. James, creator of "50 Shades of Grey", is now the world's best-paid author.

In other news, J. K. Rowling announces her next book: "Harry Potter & the bedroom of pain".

[Raistlin]

Yes, that bloke who invented the invisibility cloak had his 15 minutes of fame, but where is he now?

[Raistlin]

The more of them I see, the more convinced I am that IKEA employees were once shoppers who just got lost.

[Raistlin]

There's a great way to help improve your odds of getting sex.

It's called lying.

[Raistlin]

When one door closes, another one opens.

That's just the wife looking for food in the kitchen.

[Raistlin]

I've just read that NASA are conducting research to see if warp speed could be possible.

Clearly they have never driven back from KFC with a three piece meal on the passenger seat.

[Raistlin]

John Lewis need to do an advert with a man looking out of the window longing to get away from his family and be at the pub.

That would be more Christmassy.

[Raistlin]

As I got off the number 43 I gave the driver the finger.

It's amazing what people leave on buses.

[Raistlin]

I went to a theme park that had the world's largest pool table.

The cues were massive.

[Raistlin]

My neighbour rang the bell this morning.

"You couldn't give us a lift to work could you? The front wheel just fell off my car."

"Not again!" I said.

It's a nightmare living next door to a clown.

[Raistlin]

I had my eyes tested today.

Afterwards, the doctor said, "Your eyes are in perfect condition."

"Really?" I replied, pulling out a picture of my wife. "Then how do you explain this?"

[Raistlin]

A Bentley just pulled up outside my house and a man in a sharp suit got out and came to the door.

I said "Have I won the Pools?"

"No" he replied "I'm just here to read your gas meter"

[Raistlin]

Just sent a request for cash for gold

West Ham better pay the ransom soon... Or David will have one less finger.

[Raistlin]

5 cyclists have died in 9 days!

Well at least I know what to get for the wife's birthday.

[Raistlin]

I'm really looking forward to getting home tonight, switching on the telly and getting a good 12 hours entertainment during the Children In Need marathon.

I've bought the Die Hard box-set.

[Raistlin]

Before I met my wife I was a loser with no friends, no job and no self belief.

However with her love and support I've become an outgoing person with a good job and a confident attitude.

In fact I've changed so much I can now pull a decent looking bird.

[Raistlin]

The first time I asked a woman to make love to me my hands were sweating and shaking uncontrollably...

I'd never pointed a gun at anyone before.

[Raistlin]

A woman stopped me in the street and said, "Would you like to put your hand in your pocket for Children In Need."

I said, "Sure, I normally give money, but if you think it will help."

[Raistlin]

Dear subscriber, due to recent events in the Philippines please discard pages 19 - 26 in this months copy of Thai bride

[Raistlin]

"Name a famous explorer that has been forgotten?" asked my son.

"Internet Explorer," I replied.

[Raistlin]

The door burst open, my wife stormed in and caught me shagging her mother.

"You bastard," she screamed, aiming a punch at me. "I always knew you fancied her, but I only asked you to drop in and see how she was."

"I couldn't help myself... " I whimpered. "And besides, she was already dead when I got here."