Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My parents found a bag of ecstasy pills in my bedroom today.

My mum said, "Is there something you'd like to share with us?"

"Not really," I replied. "I've only got ten left."

[Raistlin]

I was talking to my mate down the pub last night about my new Thai wife.

"So," he said with a grin,"How did you meet?"

"Well I didn't buy her if that's what you're thinking! What kind of man do you think I am?" I replied.

"Sorry mate, I didn't mean to offend you. So how did you really meet?"

"I won her in a card game," I said.

[Raistlin]

China is apparently going to relax their one child per family policy.

Well, those iPhones won't make themselves will they.

[Raistlin]

After 20 years of marriage, 3 kids, and working a shit job, I finally won the fucking lottery!

I have cancer.

[Raistlin]

It was embarassing watching airport security frisk the wife and find 4 wraps secluded about her body.

"When did you get them?" I asked.

"Yesterday at KFC, you know aeroplane food wouldn't be enough for me."

[Raistlin]

I've met a lot of weird girls.

They ask me back for a coffee, but instead I end up having sex whilst being really thirsty.

[Raistlin]

John Smith's Bitter.

He caught his brother shagging his wife.

[Raistlin]

American scientists have managed to revive a caveman who was frozen for thousands of years.

Communications so far have consisted of monosyllabic grunts, but the caveman is confident he can teach them some words.

[Raistlin]

If I were rich, I would do crazy things.

Like a cruise trip around the world, holidaying in a private beach, a trip to the international space station and drinking coffee at Starbucks.

[Raistlin]

Even the thought of having sex with Katie Price makes me feel sick,

but I do accept that at some point, it will be my turn.

[Raistlin]

Today is National Premature Birth day.

Everyone involved actually celebrated 2 weeks ago.

[Raistlin]

I've got the i of the Tger.

[Raistlin]

Katie Price said when interviewed that shes the girl with everything.

I don't think that's entirely accurate, as I'm sure her subscription to PhotoShop has expired for sometime now.

[Raistlin]

This o came out of nwhere.

[Raistlin]

So Rebecca Adlington started a fire using one of her Tampons on I'm a Celebrity..

Well that's what I call thinking outside the box.

[Raistlin]

Google have banned 200 terms from their search engine in a bid to combat child porn..

These terms include, BBC, Priests, and Thailand.

[Raistlin]

Attention all 15 year olds.

I regret to inform you that you're too young to; drink, smoke, gamble, watch scary movies or play first person shooting games, but I would like to welcome you all to a gangbang after school tomorrow.

Protection is optional, but no video cameras, as you are too young for porn.

[Raistlin]

I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms...

like I'm not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.

[Raistlin]

If Steven Gerrard plays against Germany, he'll equal Bobby Moore's 108 caps.

Then all he needs is that pesky little World Cup win.

[Raistlin]

David Haye has hinted that it may be time to hang up his gloves.

That way he can just concentrate on being a massive cry baby

[Raistlin]

After watching Fatima Whitbread blow a cockroach from her nostril last year,

I had the same fears with Rebecca Adlinton last night but with a rat.

[Raistlin]

I bought a Portuguese MILF calander.

Every month was Movember.

[Raistlin]

Google and Microsoft have agreed measures to make it harder to find child abuse images online.

The BBC are said to be outraged.

[Raistlin]

While on holiday in Thailand I met a stunning girl in a bar, so I plied her with alcohol to make my chances of getting a shag easier.

My plan backfired though. When we got back to my hotel she was too pissed to maintain her erection

[Raistlin]

Why does nobody ever complain about the blatant profiteering practices undertaken by condom manufacturers.

I mean, fancy forcing us to buy them in threes.