Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

The Co-op bank offer some excellent rates and products.

Most definitely not to be sniffed at.

[Raistlin]

I'm gonna use the numbers from my gas meter reading for my lottery, it works for British gas.

[Raistlin]

Rohypnol has some adverse effects.

On the plus side, it lets me do whatever I want to a girl.

On the down side, I have to make my own sandwich.

[Raistlin]

I met Dec in a pub and said to him, "Those Bushtucker trials you make people do on your programme are weird aren't they?"

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, have you ever tried to eat cockroach?" I said.

"No, but I've had ant in my mouth once or twice."

[Raistlin]

German reporter: "Mr. Hodgson, have you made any changes for tonight's game?"

Roy Hodgson: "Nine."

German reporter: "Stupid Englander, should have made changes."

[Raistlin]

I have always been very unlucky with women and because of this I finished up marrying a beautiful woman from Thailand.

But still my dogged luck curses me.

She got testicular cancer.

[Raistlin]

BBC news: Fresh blow for Toronto mayor Ford...

Isn't that what got him in the shit in the first place ?

[Raistlin]

I just won a £1000 M&S voucher,

That's one weeks shop for free then.

[Raistlin]

If you thought our fish impersonation was pretty good last night,please drop us a line..

[Raistlin]

There's a new club for battered wives.

£19.99 from all good retailers.

[Raistlin]

Alcohol is ruining my life.

Last night it made me text my ex saying I wanted her back.

[Raistlin]

I don't know why the tv keeps suggesting I press the red button - every time I do it goes onto standby.

[Raistlin]

" I don't trust anyone in Oz " I explained to one of the locals in an Australian bar.

" I suppose this is some stereotypical Pommie crap about how we all descended from convicts is it? " he answered angrily.

" No mate " I replied " I grew up loving the Fosters adverts. Then I got old enough to buy some and taste it "

[Raistlin]

Being a ventriloquist, kids ask me why my hand is shoved up Rupert's bum.

I normally say, "Because his parents have just left the room. Isn't that right, Mr Tumbles?"

[Raistlin]

Hull has been named City Of Culture?

That's a bit like naming Jimmy Savile 'Childrens entertainer of the year'

[Raistlin]

GB Athletics: 'There's no place in this team for racism'

Shot puttism, hammer throwingism and javelinism are still getting funding though.

[Raistlin]

Hull is the city of culture.

If you're from Hull.

[Raistlin]

I took a girl back to my house last night.

As she laid handcuffed to the bed with a blindfold on, I said, "Right, now I'm going to shag you."

"You've been shagging me for the last 5 minutes." she replied.

"No I haven't," I said, "That was my dad."

[Raistlin]

Apparently ruminating is bad for your mental health, I'm gonna have a good long think about whether I should stop doing it.

[Raistlin]

I said to my friend, "Did you know one of my ancestors died at Waterloo?"

"Really?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied, "he froze to death on platform 3 waiting for his delayed train to arrive."

[Raistlin]

The only culture you are likely to find in Hull is a yeast infection.

[Raistlin]

Police say a woman found murdered yesterday knew her killers.

She was often seen at karaoke nights singing Mr Brightside and Human

[Raistlin]

Watching my wife and daughter fighting was the best thing I've ever seen.

Probably because the polar bear won.

[Raistlin]

On the way to work this morning I saw the neighbours daughter coming out of the driveway on the way to school.

She had her curly, naturally blonde hair in pigtails, black tights beneath her short school uniform and a tight sweater.

Luckily I know she's not sixteen until next week so I didn't find her sexually attractive.

[Raistlin]

As I snuggled up to this woman I met in the pub, I said, "We can have some alone time now. I've put your kids to sleep."

"How did you do it so quickly?," she asked.

"It wasn't too difficult," I replied, "I'm a vet."