Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Definition of Irony -

Wife moaning about you being spontaneous and then complaining like hell when you come in their face when they are not expecting it...

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend got really excited as I went down on one knee and handed her the ring.

We take horror movie nights very seriously.

[Raistlin]

BBC Breaking news: Army Unit shot unarmed civilians in Ulster.

They then set fire to their sleeves and claimed they had an Armalite

[Raistlin]

Three women freed from a couple's house after 30 years

The Government act swiftly

The couple will be now charged bedroom tax from tomorrow

[Raistlin]

The Co-Operative Bank are looking for a new chairman.

So far Kerry Katona is a front runner.

[Raistlin]

A survey has been held to find the most annoying way to start a punchline.

Apparently, was the top answer.

[Raistlin]

Congratulations Joey Essex for eating a rotten camel toe...

I'm sure all those years in Essex gave you enough experience to accomplish such a task.

[Raistlin]

Someone from the Red Cross stopped me and asked me for a donation. I reached into my wallet and pulled out a £5.00 note. I was just about to hand it to the women when I said.

Wait a minute, aren't you the homophobic and racist charity I have been reading about.

"I'm afraid we are" she replied sheepishly.

"Here have a £20 then"

[Raistlin]

I bought my wife a bike, so she could cycle to work and keep fit.

"Are you trying to kill me, Dave? There's been a spate of deaths on the road over the last few weeks." she complained.

"No love, most of the accidents were caused by cyclists cutting up the inside of HGV's, and there's no chance of you fitting down a gap that size."

[Raistlin]

In the Daily Mail today, it had a report that stated that 90% of obese people in the UK have the fat gene which makes them eat crap food and sit around all day.

After much thought they've opted to name the gene responsible as 'Benefits'.

[Raistlin]

My son grew up to be a raging homosexual, and I think I may be to blame..

I remember dropping him on my head when he was a baby.

[Raistlin]

Nigella Lawson, off her tits, snorting coke?

Don't care.

Nigella Lawson, snorting coke, off her tits?

You have my attention.

[Raistlin]

Nigella Lawson has been inconsolable since her divorce from Charles Saatchi.

She just keeps shouting out, "charlie, charlie, where's my fricking charlie?"

[Raistlin]

So Charles Saatchi was married to a woman who could be a chef in the kitchen, a tart in the boudoir, and who had access to Class-A drugs?

And he divorced her?

No wonder his advertising agency went out of business.

[Raistlin]

My Chinese mate said, "My new girlfriend can't get enough of my cock!"

I said, "Like a dog in heat?"

He said, "No, thanks. I've just eaten."

[Raistlin]

Manchester United's plane nearly crashed after problems with the left engine..

It's probably Nani's fault, he's a disaster on the wing.

[Raistlin]

"Oh please Daddy," said my six-year-old daughter. "Don't make me do it. Mummy wouldn't like it and it hurts my wrist."

"Forget that vegetarian bitch," I said. "You're going to learn to cut up your own steak."

[Raistlin]

The night before our wedding, I received a text from my wife saying 'when we're married, we will have anal sex."

I now realise that she meant' annual.'

[Raistlin]

I've noticed a lot of scousers trying to start a new craze.

Well, I won't be wearing my watch around my ankle.

[Raistlin]

Former Steps star Ian Watkins has been receiving death threats, after being mistaken for the disgraced Lostprophets singer of the same name.

If the situation continues, he should consider using a ridiculous nickname or something.

[Raistlin]

My kids are very sweet, which surprises me as I thought they'd taste like chicken.

[Raistlin]

Some girl on YouPorn just popped up and said, "Hey sexy, I'm from your town. Wanna meet up for some fun?"

I don't want to seem desperate, so I'll reply in a few hours

[Raistlin]

I've been smoking cigarettes since 1992.

Since then I've tried nicotine patches, hypnosis, cold turkey, gum and e-cigs, but to no avail.

Still, if the Government puts them in plain packaging I'll never touch another one.

[Raistlin]

Just been online to check out the symptoms of 'mid-life crisis'

I ended up buying a Harley.

[Raistlin]

Women are always on Facebook and Twitter telling people every little thing they're doing.

If only their car indicators were as fashionable