Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Looks like Nigella's having cold turkey this Christmas.

[Raistlin]

I had to phone Talk Talk today because my broadband had stopped working.

I was on hold for that long it's the first time I've ever listened to a full album.

[Raistlin]

C.I.5 Have been called in to conduct a Professional investigation following the discovery of a dead Bodie in L.A.

[Raistlin]

For the life of me, I can't find the wife's Christmas present I hid away last month.

Would be a lot easier if it was still mewing.

[Raistlin]

A court heard that Nigella Lawson smoked pot all of the time.

That explains why she's raiding the fridge each night at the end off her show

[Raistlin]

Nigella Lawson has been in contact with Rebecca Adlington today.

She wants some advice on how to get out of a trial.

[Raistlin]

So holding her head while she blows you isn't considered cuddling?

[Raistlin]

Rebecca Adlington walks into a bar.

Hoping some desperate guy will have had 15 pints.

[Raistlin]

I arranged to take my wife to the cinema tonight, to help her get over losing our unborn child.

She was taking ages to get ready so I shouted upstairs, "Hurry up love. You don't want to miss Carrie, do you?"

[Raistlin]

There's nothing like hot, sweaty, angry sex after an argument.

But seriously, Mum needs to get off my back about tidying my room.

[Raistlin]

The pilot of the helicopter that crashed in Glasgow has been commended for his skill of flying the stricken aircraft all the way from Edinburgh where the casualty rate would have actually mattered...

[Raistlin]

Walker's Crisp...

[Raistlin]

Earlier today Fast and Furious star Paul Walker has died in a car crash.

Police reports confirm that the level of irony is incalculable.

[Raistlin]

Fans of the Fast and Furious franchise are worried the next film won't be the same without Paul Walker.

Movie critics have already confirmed it will be just as shit as the rest of them.

[Raistlin]

I made a mushroom pie today following one of Nigella's recipes. It was magic.

[Raistlin]

I can't believe this has happened to me right on top of Christmas to, I just got home to find all the windows wide open.

They've taken everything. it's all gone! I'm waiting for the police!

The dirty rotten thieving bastards.

What kind of sick minded person would do that to another person?

You are not human, You are low life scum......

That was my advent calendar and you had no right to open it and eat all my chocolates

[Raistlin]

Just checked my Slovak dictionary to see if Skrtel actually means anything:

Apparently it means "Bloody liability".

[Raistlin]

I'm not saying my wife's a sad bitch, but when she goes to McDonalds she orders the unhappy meal.

[Raistlin]

I pulled a gorgeous girl and went back to mine and held her in my arms for 20 minutes.

She thought I was so caring and sensitive.

I'm fine with that, It was better than her knowing I couldn't unclasp her bra...

[Raistlin]

As the contestants on 'I'm a celebrity get me out of here' only received three meals tonight, I loved Matthew Wright's humour when he announced he would 'Prepare the vegetable'.

I didn't see him put a bib on Joey Essex though

[Raistlin]

Well... Opened the 2nd door of my advent calendar this morning - wasn't expecting Tom Daley to come out

[Raistlin]

Got a new game at work: "Disconnect Four".

I love working for an electricity company

[Raistlin]

My new Thai girlfriend can actually reverse park..

Hey wait a minute...

[Raistlin]

Every year I give my wife the same thing at Christmas.

Resentment at having to spend a week off work with her and the kids.

[Raistlin]

Following Tom Daley admitting he's gay, rumours are rife that his boyfriend is a fellow Olympian.

My money's on Fatima Whitbread.