Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

According to an inquest witness Mark Duggan was trying to run away from police on the sidewalk.

He must have been a fast runner to make it all the way to America.

[Raistlin]

My wife said, "If you ever won the Lottery, would you divorce me?"

I replied, "Of course not, I'd be able to afford a hitman."

[Raistlin]

I went into B&Q and asked an assistant if he could recommend something to stop my kitchen drawers and cupboard doors being slammed shut.

He said, "A divorce."

[Raistlin]

The missus said she was going to try and bring sexy back.

That's not going to happen though, because she no longer has the original box it came in.

[Raistlin]

I've got fur in my kettle,

Knew a should've used a saucepan to boil that hamster

[Raistlin]

After a night out clubbing my mate complained his buzz was beginning to wear off.

"Mine's the same." I said. "I'm not buying those 'Toy Story' tattoos again."

[Raistlin]

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?

None, It should be opened by the time she brings it to you.

[Raistlin]

I used to think that in order to be brave you needed to do stuff like save someone from a burning building.

But apparently you just need to become a 19 year old diver and suck a man's cock.

[Raistlin]

"So you're able to carry shopping to a customers car free of charge?" I asked the guy in Tesco this morning.

"Yes." he replied.

I said, "Can you carry mine for me?"

He said, "Sure."

As we walked across the entire distance of the car park, I suddenly stopped beside my motor and said, "I could've carried it myself but I'm a lazy bastard."

"I gathered that." he replied, "Here's your KitKat."

[Raistlin]

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I apparently won't be allowed on this airline again.

[Raistlin]

I tried to catch a glimpse of the World number 1 tennis player today , as he rushed through Majorca airport.

But it was like looking for Nidahl in a haste act.

[Raistlin]

If you don't buy used toys, because you don't know where they've been, you can still buy used sex toys, because you know EXACTLY where those have been

[Raistlin]

I said to this bloke, "Did you know the word 'facetious' is the only word in the English language with all the vowels in the correct order."

"No I didn't, and would you like fries with that?" He replied.

[Raistlin]

Going to see the Coke lorry soon as a festive treat,

I've checked its route, and it's just left Nigella's house.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend called me a 'spineless pussy'.

I was so angry I made her breakfast in bed.

[Raistlin]

David Moyes has spent the last 11 years trying to get Everton to beat Man Utd at Old Trafford, and last night he has finally achieved it

[Raistlin]

I was halfway through a job interview today, when I needed to do a massive shit.

Wierdest aptitude test ever.

[Raistlin]

A bloke goes into a chemist and says "Have you got any acetylsalicylic acid?"

"Do you mean aspirin" asked the pharmacist.

"That's it! I can never remember the name!"

[Raistlin]

I find that massaging my balls with my left hand whilst stroking my shaft with my right helps to maintain an erection.

It also means my job interviews rarely last longer than a minute.

[Raistlin]

Nigella Lawson, a beautiful wealthy woman, a brilliant cook, who now admits to doing drugs.

Bloody hell Nigella, us men only need to find out you're an alcoholic who takes it up the bum, and we have found the only perfect woman.

[Raistlin]

I left a note on my neighbour's car asking him to stop parking in front of my house.

I couldn't find any paper, so I used my car key instead.

[Raistlin]

Stupid ignorant people who question the significance of what Nelson Mandela achieved have clearly never seen his 'I Have A Dream' speech.

[Raistlin]

Thousands are said to be gathering outside Nelson Mandela's house.

Police in Peckham are on a high state of alert

[Raistlin]

"OK, it's 5th December 2013 and our film 'Mandela: The Long Walk to Freedom' is opening tonight ... what can we do to get maximum publicity for the film?"

"Anyone?"

[Raistlin]

There have been cries outside of a cryogenics lab in south africa to "freeze Nelson Mandela"