Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Personally, I think all these jokes about Nelson's death are disgraceful.

He was one of the finest admirals that Britain has ever seen.

[Raistlin]

I saw my mate walking down the street hand in hand with some fat girl this afternoon.

I asked him, "Is she your girlfriend?"

Smiling, he said, "What gave it away?"

I replied, "A zoo, by the looks of it."

[Raistlin]

A policeman stopped me on the motorway.

He said, "Sir, I get the impression you've been drinking tonight."

"Sorry," I replied, "Was I driving too fast?"

"Driving?" He replied, "You were skipping."

[Raistlin]

I've bought my son a huge wooden horse for Christmas.

I got it from 'Troys R Us.'

[Raistlin]

Today is undoubtedly one where millions the world over will come together in sharing their feelings of sorrow and tragic loss.

RIP Susie Sweet from Balamory.

[Raistlin]

I've just seen a bunch of dyslexic Africans.

They've been putting flowers at the door of Nissan main dealers.

[Raistlin]

They are bringing out 'RIP Nelson Mandela' wristbands soon.

Surely necklaces would be more appropriate.

[Raistlin]

This year, I had to get a large advent calendar from an anti-paedophile charity.

I couldn't get my hands on a little one.

[Raistlin]

My wife reckons I'm obsessed with watch brands.

She's Seiko

[Raistlin]

You know you're in for a crap christmas when you see your parents carrying sports direct bags up the high street.

[Raistlin]

The twelve inch Nelson Mandela figurine I ordered off the internet last month is remarkably like him.


Late

[Raistlin]

I must congratulate the feminists on managing to get "Mutton dressed as lamb" changed to "Milf" in just ten years.

[Raistlin]

I said to my wife, "Make me a cuppa and there's a blow job in it for you."

She said, "I haven't got a cock."

I said, "I know, but I have."

[Raistlin]

You can't please anyone these days.

Apparently it's racist to commiserate about Nelson Mandela's death with every single black person you see.

[Raistlin]

I once bought a car off Katie Price.

A high mileage old wreck.

Car was in good nick, though

[Raistlin]

A school in Lancashire has banned Enid Blyton books for 'having outdated views on ethnic minorities'.

I grew up with those books and I was so angry when I read the article that I had my slave throw the paper out and gave him a good beating with a hockey stick to let him know his place.

[Raistlin]

Shocking scenes at Old Trafford today.

Only 3 added mintutes.

[Raistlin]

I noticed two lesbians kissing in the bar and thought it would be a good chance to answer my query.

I asked, "What exactly is it about dicks that you don't like?"

One of them replied, "They ask stupid questions."

[Raistlin]

David Moyes is drafting in Nigella Lawson to help his Manchester Utd team clear their lines.

[Raistlin]

A race to the South Pole featuring Prince Harry has been abandoned due to harsh conditions.

Apparently It's snowing and a bit cold...

[Raistlin]

Amazon has announced that is has been testing drones for deliveries.

However initial tests in Glasgow have met with mixed results.

[Raistlin]

Walking down an alley on the way home from the pub last night, I saw a gang of skinheads marching towards me, chanting racist slogans.

At first I started to panic, but then I thought to myself, "What would Nelson Mandela do in this situation?"

So I played dead and they walked right past me.

[Raistlin]

Show me a man who calls himself a vegan,

and I'll show you a man who's trying to shag a vegan.

[Raistlin]

The wife and I were about to get dressed for an office dinner when she pulled out a tight, slutty red dress from her wardrobe.

"You can't wear that!" I said immediately.

"Why?" she asked. "Will your colleagues think it's inappropriate?"

"No," I said. "Because you're fat."

[Raistlin]

My wife was standing on a set of steps wearing a short skirt as she placed the star at the top of the Christmas tree.

I couldn't resist, I shoved my head up, slipped her pants to the side and gave her fanny a right good licking.

Everyone else in the church hall looked mortified.