Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

"What's that Sam? You think you've got whiplash?"

[Raistlin]

Just opened my advent calendar and there's a picture of Manchester United.

It must be the 9th. ..

[Raistlin]

David Moyes walks into a Turkey farm.

"You'll be gone by Boxing day".....

.....Said the Turkey.

[Raistlin]

The FA are currently investigating match fixing at MUFC

They claim no team can actually be that shit.

[Raistlin]

Derek Acorah allegedly refused to give a breathalyser sample for fear of the police making up a "false reading".

Doesn't like it when the boot's on the other foot, does he?

[Raistlin]

Since my ear surgery I haven't heard from my doctor.

Not sure if that's a good thing or not.

[Raistlin]

Girls say size don't matter..

Ever seen a 2 inch dildo?

No, me neither.

[Raistlin]

I took a chav girl out for a meal last night.

I suggested Coq au Van and we didn't even make it to the restaurant.

[Raistlin]

Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.

Is that a trick question...

[Raistlin]

I put my head through my neighbours kitchen window this morning and said, "Dave, have you got any milk I can borrow?"

"No." he replied, "But here's a dustpan & brush, you owe me £400."

[Raistlin]

DJ Campbell has released a statement that he is 100% innocent and hopes he can play still play in the 1-1 draw with Millwall at the weekend

[Raistlin]

After my wife died from an obesity related condition, I created a small memorial garden round the back of the house and used it for growing lettuce, cucumber and tomatoes.


It's what she would've needed

[Raistlin]

In a massive win for irony, the man charged with causing deaths on the M5 with smoke from his firework display has just been let off .

[Raistlin]

David Moyes states Man Utd will take small steps to rebuild the team.

At the moment in training, they're focusing all their efforts...

...on winning the toss.

[Raistlin]

I have been experimenting with homosexuality...

And, just like small furry animals, homosexuals don't like being electrocuted either.

[Raistlin]

I went to a plastic surgeon and the doctor gave me a huge dick.

My ass still hurts but I've never looked younger.

[Raistlin]

Christmas (noun) -

A holiday where you spend money you don't have to buy people you don't like gifts they won't use.

[Raistlin]

The Philippines suffer further tragedy following last month's typhoon.

Justin Bieber just turned up.

[Raistlin]

I had a Wookie steak this evening...

It was a bit Chewie

[Raistlin]

According to an article in today's Metro, a woman in Sudan is going to be flogged for not wearing a headscarf.

Judging by the accompanying photo, they'll be lucky to get anything for her.

[Raistlin]

"How's your new Thai girlfriend, Dave?"

"How do you know her name?"

[Raistlin]

Kanye West said, "Kim fought for her position in society."

I've seen the sex tape that made her famous, I can assure you she definitely wasn't fighting.

[Raistlin]

There are some horrible bastards about.

I heard a cat crying outside, so I opened my door and saw four blokes in Man United shirts playing football with it.

I was just going to call the RSPCA until the cat went 1-0 up.

[Raistlin]

Nothing beats waking up to a blow job.

Unless you've been in a coma, and your nurse's name is Steve

[Raistlin]

The Nelson Mandela memorial sign language interpreter as been employed by Ian Duncan Smith as he talks shit too