Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.

However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the ticket, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of

other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch all the fish?"

[Raistlin]

A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road.

A woman was driving down the same steep and narrow road.

As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled, "Pig!"

The man immediately leaned out his window and replied, "Bitch!"

They continue on their way and as the man rounded then ext corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

[Raistlin]

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the

highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

"Alright, we could get a blood sample."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."

"Fine then, just walk this white line."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

[Raistlin]

WARNING!

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men.

What happens is that when you stop for a red light, a young nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield.

While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car.

They are very good at this.

They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday.

Unfortunately I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.

[Raistlin]

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:

"I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job.

Forgive us our trespasses."

Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:

"I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket,I'll lose my job...

Lead us not into temptation."

[Raistlin]

Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished a jigsaw puzzle in only a couple of months ?

Because on the box it said "from 2-4 years."

[Raistlin]

A man goes to a doctor and says:

"Doctor, it's embarrassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

"Gee, what are you taking for it?"

"Snuff."

[Raistlin]

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost.

For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.

He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished.

Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it.

Surprisingly a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species.

At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation.

The judge ruled in his favor.

In the judges closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go.

I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it.What did it taste like?"

The man thought about it then answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a Panda and a White Rhino."

[Raistlin]

This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!"

She says, "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care...Just get the hell out!"

[Raistlin]

What do you call rabbits marching backwards?

A receding hare line.........

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the guy born with two left feet?

He went out one day to buy some Flip Flips...

[Raistlin]

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work.

The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl.

She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the desk.

[Raistlin]

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man: "What was that for?" Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"

Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. Man: "What the hell was that for this time?"

Wife: "Your horse called."

[Raistlin]

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation.

"This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

The Kuwaiti woman replied: "Land mines"

[Raistlin]

a dyslexic man walks into a bra...

[Raistlin]

I was shopping at our local supermarket.

When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of me.

As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her, "Paper or plastic?"

"It doesn't matter," she replied, "I'm bisacksual."

[Raistlin]

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

"Dam".

[Boro Sera]

A paper bag wasn't feeling too well so he went to the doctors.

After a thorough examination , the doc informed the bag that he had Aids.

'How can I have Aids?' asked the bag......' I've never had unsafe s*x or injected drugs'

The doc replied ' It's hereditary, your mother was a carrier '

[Calisto]

liked all of them any more???

[Raistlin]

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door.

She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?"

He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over.

Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing to the ground 40 floors down.

Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."

[Raistlin]

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven"t got the energy".

Well, why don"t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They"re packed with nutrients".

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch and so on.

Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story:

Bullsh!t might get you to the top, but it won"t keep you there.

[Calisto]

LOL you is soooooo bad but soooooo good!!!!!!!!

[Raistlin]

LOL you is soooooo bad but soooooo good!!!!!!!!

Can you do my PR

[Raistlin]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says:

"So, why the long face?"

[Raistlin]

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man.

"To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to

do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like

factories and won't work in a office.

What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"