Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle.

For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

[kevbazl]

Whats the differance between jam and marmalade?

You cant marmalade your co*k into her *****..... :D

[Raistlin]

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals.

It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "'fascinate.'"

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the London Zoo and saw the animals.

I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Billy raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for is bad language.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."

[Raistlin]

Darling," she whispered after they had finished making love, "Will you still make love like that to me after we're married ?"

He considered this for a moment, and then replied, "I think so.

I've always been especially fond of married women."

[Raistlin]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused.

"Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

[Raistlin]

Two men were stopped by a TV newswoman doing street interviews about the upcoming presidential primary election.

"I'm not voting for any of the candidates," the first man said. "I don't know any of them."

"I feel the same way," the second man said. "Only I know them all."

[Raistlin]

What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common?

They both live off dead Beatles.

[Raistlin]

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags.

"Where are you going?" he asked. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!"

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags.

"What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.

"Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

[Raistlin]

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boys position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

[Raistlin]

Jon starts working in a lumber camp.

The boss says, "We work twelve hours a day, we eat two meals a day, lights out at ten-thirty, and you can put your ***** in the barrel over there for a blow job any day but Thursday."

Jon says, "Why not Thursday?"

The boss says, "Because Thursday is your turn in the barrel."

[Raistlin]

A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

[Raistlin]

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis.

After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said politely."

"This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

[Raistlin]

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.

A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?" "Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.

About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!"

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine," the society matron asked the zookeeper.

"The principal difference is the North American species has a longer pricks."

This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office.

The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms.

What the keeper should have said is the North American species has a longer *quill*.

In fact, their pricks are just about the same size."

[Raistlin]

What's the worst thing about washing your cat?

Getting the fur off your tongue afterwards.

[Raistlin]

"Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

[Raistlin]

A guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly woman.

She has a parrot on her shoulder.

Woman says: If you can tell me what kind of animal I have on my shoulder...I'll sleep with you."

Guy says: "An alligator?"

Woman says: "Close enough"

[Raistlin]

Two young girls were talking about their sex lives when the first girl says, "Oh my god! , it was really great, but I was Sooo scared after his rubber broke.

I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week."

"What happened." Says her intrigued friend.

"I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the last little piece of it out with dental floss."

[Raistlin]

A crowd had gathered around a whore and they were about to stone her.

Jesus stepped in front of her and said: "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone."

From the back of the crowd came this stone which hit Jesus on the head and knocked him down.

Jesus turned and looked in that direction and said: "You know mom, sometimes you really p*ss me off."

[Raistlin]

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries.

After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

[Raistlin]

With a puzzled look on his face an Indian boy asked, "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"

She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.", She explained.

The Mother Indian paused for a moment then asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

[Raistlin]

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with , "A man once told me... "

[Raistlin]

On the eve of the couple's tenth wedding anniversary, the still slim wife was bragging about her figure.

"You know honey," she said, "I can still get into the skirts I had before we were married."

"Yeah ?" the husband replied as he turned his attention back to the ball game on TV.

"I wish to hell I could."

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the new paint on the market?

It's called Blonde.

It's not very bright, but it spreads easy!

[Raistlin]

A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an

unfortunate incident occurred.

Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet

for the morning's relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up.

When she sat, she kept going!

She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed

into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in

front of her.

She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried

desperately to extricate her.

In this process they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her

naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently

visible between her splayed legs.

Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber,

despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were

walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was

exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.

Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he

could think of, his yarmulke skull cap, over his wife's exposed

privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented:

"Well, I think I can save your wife,but the Rabbi's a goner."