Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

If you are ever asked if "it's in yet" the proper answer is, "I don't know."

[Raistlin]

My wife left me because she thinks I slept with her sister.

Just shows what she knows, as we were up all night shagging.

[Raistlin]

We declared war on drugs and more drugs came into the country.

We declared war on terrorists and the terrorists became more prevalent in our country.

Maybe we should declare war on jobs and money and see what happens.

[Raistlin]

The Muslim assistant in my local M&S wouldn't handle my cans of beer earlier this evening so I went back and swapped them for Fosters.

Problem solved.

[Raistlin]

My wife was flicking through the channels when she said, "Why is everything on television so biased in favour of men?"

I replied, "Never mind that. How the hell did you get your hands on the remote?"

[Raistlin]

I've just seen the news about Muslim staff in M&S refusing to sell alcohol.

Whatever next?

Christian staff in B&Q refusing to sell nails and wood?

[Raistlin]

I hate it when you're sitting on the bus and the local weirdo gets on and sits next to you.

You know the type, The ones that watch you masturbate.

[Raistlin]

Two people were killed with a single shot each outside a Paris cafe.

Now that's good coffee

[Raistlin]

Computer pioneer and code breaker Alan Turing has been given a posthumous royal pardon for his 1952 homosexuality conviction.

I'll bet that was the Queen's idea.

[Raistlin]

I was in the process of preparing the Christmas turkey but it was getting a bit stressful.

I took a deep breath and asked myself what would Nigella do?

So I smoked a joint and had two lines of cocaine

[Raistlin]

Bought the wife a brand spanking new vibrator for Christmas.

Shame it has to go in such a tatty old box

[Raistlin]

Last Christmas Day we all started with diarrhoea.

Made a change from prawn cocktail.

[Raistlin]

I tried a vegan recipe book last night.

It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

[Raistlin]

If you're ever disappointed with what you receive this Christmas just remember somewhere, someone is unwrapping a Tottenham shirt.

[Raistlin]

As we sat and watched the kids open their presents under the tree, my pregnant wife smiled at me and said, "Just think, this time next year we might have a house."

[Raistlin]

To all the rich people down south with no power.

Remember, we're all in this together

[Raistlin]

Got a pair of boxers with the London Underground tube map on for Xmas.

Already had to change twice.

[Raistlin]

Apparently Boxing Day is the busiest day of the year for online dating sites.

Coincidentally, in our kitchen we also start sniffing around for leftover meat...

[Raistlin]

My wife has the body of a woman half her age.

She's 24 and has no tits.

[Raistlin]

How many Surrey residents does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Little point, really...

[Raistlin]

No wind or rain forecast for tomorrow.

The Met Office have advised everyone to make unnecessary journeys

[Raistlin]

I'm lying in bed and I'm really embarrassed about the moaning coming from my parents room.

It sounds like my dad's forgotten to wash the dishes.

[Raistlin]

Daily Mail online: "Every week it seems another Lotto winning couple splits."

That's me buying an extra ticket this Saturday

[Raistlin]

My wife goes out three evenings a week with her driving instructor.

I wouldn't mind but she passed her test in 1993.

[Raistlin]

I was really shocked when the doctor said my wife's x-rays revealed a big shadow on her lung.

There was no need to worry though. It turns out it was just her stomach.