Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Sebastian vettel has been overwhelmed by the generosity of F1 fans after the tragic acident suffered by his childhood idol and to take his mind off things he is going to try out his new skis Bernie Ecclestone got him for Christmas.

[Raistlin]

Michael Schumacher's former crew went to visit him.

They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 11.4 secs

[Raistlin]

Jeremey Clarkson has sent a message of support and to keep on fighting to Michael Schumacher.

In response, Schumacher's family have offered to send Clarkson on a skiing holiday as they think it is probably what Michael would want.

[Raistlin]

Daily Mail online: Fire-hit ferry bound for Amsterdam returns to Tyneside, but travellers are kept on board as police arrest two men.

"We were treated like animals on that boat."

Said one grateful Geordie.

[Raistlin]

Finally Hill wins in battle against Schumacher

[Raistlin]

As the undertakers tried to move my deceased wife one of them said, "We will have to open her legs a little."

"Yeah?" I replied, "bloody good luck with that then."

[Raistlin]

As my wife lay across the bed, dressed in nothing but a flimsy nightgown, I pulled the curtains, unzipped my fly and said,

"The kids are at your mothers, there's no-one around, and tonight I'm going to give you the shag of your life. Persistent vegetative state or not."

[Raistlin]

Nigella Lawson has come out in sympathy over Michael Schumacher's accident.

She is quoted as saying "I know exactly how he feels. I, myself have been pretty screwed up after a face full of snow."

[Raistlin]

I am amazed that James Blunt has been overlooked in the New Years Honours list for his outstanding contribution to rhyming slang.

[Raistlin]

I took part in a bondage contest last night.

I was tied third.

[Raistlin]

When crappy DJs start getting MBEs for their services to music, you know the Honours system has all gone a bit Pete Tong.

[Raistlin]

I was working in my newsagent's shop when a Muslim walked in, took a magazine from the shelf then walked to the counter, pushed a gun to my temple and said, "If you don't stop selling this filthy infidel magazine immediately I'm going to come back here and pull the trigger."

"Jesus," said the policeman. "Was it loaded?"

"No," I said. "It was FHM."

[Raistlin]

Doctors say that Michael Schumacher's condition hasn't changed overnight.

And that he is "Still an arrogant German git."

[Raistlin]

Michael Schumacher says he has the ultimate headache this New Years Day after going on the piste all day

[Raistlin]

For all my Scottish mates, the 1986 calendars are the ones you can now pull out and use again.

[Raistlin]

Tom Daley stated he wants to improve on his career by taking up Boxing.

He likes it in the ring.

[Raistlin]

"Schumacher shows slight improvement"

Doctors shave three tenths off his recovery time.

[Raistlin]

After his shocking performance for Man Utd yesterday, it's no surprise to see him clear out his locker, collect his last pay check and be the first to leave in the transfer window.

Farewell Mr Webb.

[Raistlin]

I went to the aid of this woman in a Lidl car park. She was black and blue and her clothes were ripped to shreds.

Turns out she had just been shopping there.

[Raistlin]

I've just been reading with interest that Asda and Tesco waft bakery smells to encourage people to buy bakery items.

I can only assume my local Lidl are promoting toilet rolls.

[Raistlin]

So The Fresh Prince of Bel Air's, Uncle Phil has died..

My sympathies go out...

To the people who have to carry his coffin.

[Raistlin]

Nick Griffin's bankruptcy was caused by a group of lawyers who pursued him relentlessly through the courts and refused to accept any form of compromise.

Who says they don't have a heart?

[Raistlin]

Well it's January the third and I must admit I have not yet seen a Bulgarian.

But in all fairness, I have only been in Bulgaria for three days.

[Raistlin]

It's nice to see that despite the awful weather, people are still being sucked off by the pier!

[Raistlin]

I'm really not looking forward to my job interview tomorrow.

I'm not qualified and I can never think what to say.

Still, the candidate will probably be nervous too.