Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Don't you just hate it when you can't get it in?

It's the same size as the hole but every time it's difficult.

You try forcing it harder, flipping it over and looking at it real close before it finally goes in with ease...

Bloody USB sticks!

[Raistlin]

Michael Schumacher's helmet is currently being examined.

A bit odd, considering he landed on his head?

[Raistlin]

I was walking past a castle the other day and i could hear someone shouting consecutive numbers out from its portcullis.......

I suppose it was the fort that counts!

[Raistlin]

Nick Griffin has been declared bankrupt.

Ironically he'll now be appearing on every bank's blacklist.

[Raistlin]

Having my ears syringed is one of the most painful things I've ever had done.

I can hear my wife perfectly now.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between prostate cancer and Katie Price?

Prostate cancer will only screw one in five men.

[Raistlin]

A BNP spokesman said, "Nick Griffin may be bankrupt, but at least he's not Michael Schumacher."

True. Schumacher is showing signs of brain activity.

[Raistlin]

The worst thing about camping is having to put on wet socks in the morning.

But then, you have to wank into something.

[Raistlin]

Just put some trousers on I last wore at a wedding in 2001 and found a Nokia 3210 in the back pocket.

It's still got 2 bars of Battery on it.

[Raistlin]

I'm easily confused with new terminology for colour, creed and culture.

I don't even know where Ethnic City is.

[Raistlin]

'dietchef.com healthy meals delivered right to you door.'

Let's face it, if you can't be bothered to walk to the shops, you're not going to be losing weight anytime soon.

[Raistlin]

How can Evander Holyfield be anti gay?..

He does boxing..

Its two guys with no shirts, fighting over a purse and a belt.

[Raistlin]

People shouldn't be making jokes about Gemma Collins just because she's fat..

Remember, she's ugly as well.

[Raistlin]

Manchester United have opted to support an 'Abused Husband' charity during 2014. "We can relate to men getting battered at home" said a club spokesman.

[Raistlin]

First Schumacher, now Merkel.

The Germans haven't been this unlucky with snow since Stalingrad.

[Raistlin]

Football legend Eusebio has passed away.

Unlike Manchester United who can't pass home or away.

[Raistlin]

Manchester United were once the Goliath of English football, then along came David.....

[Raistlin]

Manchester United were once the Goliath of English football, then along came David.....

[Raistlin]

I've just paid for my wife and her mother to go to Paris for two weeks.

That's how much I hate the French.

[Raistlin]

German inventor Darius Hans is asking people to donate towards his "belt with a clock" idea.

Waist of time if you ask me.

[Raistlin]

My Gran's vagina is like a sandwich.

I'll eat it, but I'll avoid the crust

[Raistlin]

A butch woman with an angry face walks into a bar. I offer her a drink,

"Very well, but don't presume I'll now sleep with you. I'm a woman with a strong mind, and no amount of alcohol will ever degrade me into a sex doll, to be used, objectified and satisfy, the carnal lusts of man. By the way, this cocktail is superb. What is it?

With an evil grin and haughty eyes, I jokingly whisper into her ear, "Rohypnol surprise."

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend says she read somewhere that orgasms reduce a woman's risk of developing breast cancer.

I've already convinced the silly bitch to take it orally but I'm still trying to convince her to take it directly on her tits.

[Raistlin]

Nigella Lawson forgot her lines while recording her latest tv show.

She has to do it straight...

[Raistlin]

10 year old Genet gets up at 5am today, like every day, and walks for two hours to collect water.

...why don't they just give her a bigger bucket so she only has to go every other day?