Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I've just had my credit card bill drop through the door.

My wife spent more last month than the Grillo sisters.

[Raistlin]

News reporter: "There's definitely something missing at Old Trafford this season."

I agree, I think you'll find it's called 'Talent'

[Raistlin]

It can take a matter of minutes to bleed to death.

Which isn't much time to come up with a plausible excuse as to how your dog bit your knob off.

[Raistlin]

It turns out that the photo opportunity of MP Keith Vaz and one of the first Romanian Immigrants to come into the country, is somewhat blemished by the fact that he's a convicted criminal.

However, the Romanian Immigrant has said he won't hold it against Mr.Vaz and hopes to meet more honest people during his stay in the UK.

[Raistlin]

My pet owl will soon turn 180.

He's not old, he just has a bad neck.

[Raistlin]

Thomas Hitzlsperger. Not the first German to be feared in the showers.

[Raistlin]

I was moved to tears by the plight of the little African girl on the TV walking miles every day for filthy diseased water, so being quite wealthy I decided to do something about.

I sent over a groundwork crew and had it filled in.

[Raistlin]

How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.

Because Immanuel Kant.

[Raistlin]

According to Coco Chanel, you should only spray perfume where you'd like to be kissed.

Silly bitch. It burns like hell...

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend is not only fat but she's thick as well.

She wants to move to California because of the earth cakes.

[Raistlin]

They say life is what you make it.

In the case of women -

Fracking difficult.

[Raistlin]

BREAKING NEWS: Jessica Ennis pulls out because her husband didn't.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend claims I try to make everything into a 'quiz'.

Is that:

a) weird

B) annoying

c) unfair

[Raistlin]

I'm now waiting for Emile Heskey to come out and admit..

....he's really a painter and decorator from Plumstead.

[Raistlin]

I didn't really want to watch my sister make her porn debut ;

But I decided to take a look , just out of incest.

[Raistlin]

Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures.

Girl goes to Starbucks: 47 pictures.

[Raistlin]

House for sale in Tewkesbury

4 Bed

2 Bath

Ample parking for 30 boats

[Raistlin]

Got a letter from Talk Talk saying my balance is outstanding.

They obviously haven't seen me pissed on a Friday night.

[Raistlin]

I'm getting really tired of going for a shave and not being able to find a fresh, unused razor thanks to my 13 year old daughter.

Yeah, sure, in the beginning it was cute and funny, but the self harming is getting out of hand now.

[Raistlin]

I was talking to a mate of mine,

"I have been a bit lonely and I wanted to meet like minded people, you know, people who are interested in the same type of things that I like."

"What did you do? Did you join that e harmony dating site?"

"No," I replied, "I downloaded the sex offenders register."

[Raistlin]

Have you heard about a computer virus which fills your internet history with hundreds of pornographic websites, then plants a folder somewhere on your hard drive containing over 5Gb of carefully-catalogued explicit images and videos?

If you have, please could you tell my wife that one definitely exists?

[Raistlin]

My daughter was crying after her beloved rabbit died.

I don't know why, all she needs to do is replace the Battery.

[Raistlin]

Me and my wife have decided not to have kids.

The kids are taking it pretty hard.

[Raistlin]

I can home from work after a very stressful day, and asked my wife for sex tonight.

She said, "If you wash the dishes, I'm all yours."

"So that's a no then."

[Raistlin]

I've been studying clinical male depression for 7 years now, and I have finally figured out that most have a common trait.

They got married.