Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My step daughter returned home from school whilst the wife was out shopping, "how was your day"? I said.

"We had Sex Ed today but it was a waste of time, Mummy has taught me all I need to know".

Sensing an opportunity I said "Do you want to show me what mummy taught you?"

She replied "Can we do this later I've got a Headache"

[Raistlin]

My mate Paddy just told me that he robbed a shop last night.

"What did you get?" I asked.

"26 pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth over £180,000."

I said, "Dude, these are from an estate agents."

[Raistlin]

My seventeen year old daughter got home waving a piece of paper all over the place.

"I passed, I passed my driving test, " she said excitedly.

"Brilliant," I replied, "where did he take you?"

"First for a drink, and then round to a secluded industrial estate," she replied.

[Raistlin]

If you're flying on an aircraft and your hear the infamous announcement "Does anyone know how to fly a plane?",

your answer should always be "Yes".

Well, if you're going to die, you may as well die flying a jumbo jet.

[Raistlin]

"I tried sucking myself off this morning," I said to my mate, "Does that make me a weirdo?"

"Of course not," he replied.

I said, "Well that's what the people on the bus were calling me."

[Raistlin]

I just destroyed most of the furniture in the house.

But on a positive note, that spider is dead.

[Raistlin]

Daily Mail online: "The shorter the journey to work, the more risks drivers are willing to take."

Nonsense. I never take risks on my way to work.

And I can get there before my windscreen's even defrosted.

[Raistlin]

I hate it when my Scouse girlfriend gets changed into her pyjamas.

I don't know if she's going to bed or going shopping.

[Raistlin]

I'm a member of Paranoids Anonymous.

We never meet in case anybody finds out.

[Raistlin]

I think I need to cut down on my wanking.

Just found out my washing machine's pregnant.

[Raistlin]

Yes it is.

Is time travel possible?

[Raistlin]

Dear Maths

I am sick and tired of finding your 'X'. Please except she has left you, move on dude

[Raistlin]

'There's no wrong way to consume a Cadbury Creme egg'.

Said the guy who has never stuck a Cadbury Creme egg up his butt

[Raistlin]

My wife says she is divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.

But will she really leave me...

...Find out next week

[Raistlin]

My daughter was very nervous the morning of her driving test.

"There's no need to worry", I said. "Just do as we practised: move your tongue seductively around the tip and never use your teeth."

[Raistlin]

I've just opened my sock drawer, and I'm sure they said...

"Not tonight, we've got a headache."

[Raistlin]

What was Trigger's favourite TV channel?

Rodney.

[Raistlin]

Judging by the tributes it seems just the mention of 'Trigger' brings a smile to all our faces.

Except the Duggan family.

[Raistlin]

I saw that an animal charity posted on Facebook "These Dartmoor Ponies will be shot on the 20th of January. Can you help".

Well if I can borrow a gun then maybe ..

[Raistlin]

Did you know that if you sniff a girl's bum whilst tweaking her nipples, you get roughly escorted out of Primark...

[Raistlin]

Robert Gates, former US defence secretary, has warned that Britain's defence cuts could damage the military relationship between the UK and the US.

So much so, they might just have to find someone else to kill with friendly fire.

[Raistlin]

Who says women can't multi-task?

My wife can drive and knock down a wall at the same time.

[Raistlin]

I've come up with a way to make women's football better.

Don't watch it.

[Raistlin]

"My wife came home after failing her eighth driving test.

"I'm going to have to pack it in, I just can't afford to do this anymore."

Thank christ for that, I can't afford the bribes either.

[Raistlin]

Thousands of Scottish people have joined the search for missing Edinburgh child Mikaeel Kular..

They've heard a rumour that he may have a pound in his pocket.