Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees' concert in Switzerland.

Then I saw her face, now I'm in Geneva.

[Raistlin]

Having watched Benefits street, it's not much different to Sesame Street.

Both have a big bird, a bloke living out of a bin, and people trying to learn the alphabet

[Raistlin]

Viagra is what a man needs when a woman fails to excite him.

And money works well for the woman

[Raistlin]

I've been practicing doing 'The Macarena' for weeks now.

So when I get groped going through airport security, I'll now what to expect.

[Raistlin]

I sat next to a tramp on a park bench today. "It was only last week that I had it all," he said, "A chef to cook my food, cleaners to do my cleaning and wash my clothes and a nice warm roof over my head."

"What happened?" I replied, "Drugs? Gambling? A woman?"

"No, I was let out of prison."

[Raistlin]

I keep getting bombarded with emails about penis enlargement.

I wish my wife would stop it.

[Raistlin]

Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

It's also in Burundi,Democratic Republic of Congo,Eritrea, Ethiopia, Kenya, Rwanda,Sudan,Tanzania and Uganda

[Raistlin]

Vladimir Putin has claimed that the Sochi Olympics will be a 'gay-friendly' event.

'There will be plenty of pole-vaulting', he added.

[Raistlin]

After going to the trouble of buying dinner for two, wine, flowers and chocolate, I would have thought that a getting a blowjob would be least I could expect.

Apparently not, and the checkout girl even called the manager.

[Raistlin]

The local slag told me she'd only have sex if we're engaged.

"Okay, okay," I said, locking the door on the pub toilet. "Happy now?"

[Raistlin]

Can't believe I got arrested for tweeting about Andy Murray getting through to the next round of the Australian open.

Maybe I could have rephrased it better than, "That Scottish kid deserved it."

[Raistlin]

My wife's sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her "How could you afford this?!"

"You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous," she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, "I think I'll start doing that."

"Me too," I replied, turning to my sister in law. "What's your husband's number?"

[Raistlin]

As my wife lay on her deathbed, she whispered in my ear,

"Death is not the end, you know."

I think she was just trying to wind me up one last time.

[Raistlin]

The makers of the Jeremy Kyle show come have up with a plan to treble their daily viewing figures.

They are going to move it to an afternoon slot when a lot more of their audience will be out of bed.

[Raistlin]

David Moyes has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year...even if he has to write the song himself

[Raistlin]

At a job interview: "What are your strengths?"

"I'm an optimist and a positive thinker."

"Can you give me an example?"

"Yes, when do I start?"

[Raistlin]

"Son, if you piss really hard into the bowl, it makes your willy sound bigger."

"That's great dad, but you've ruined my cornflakes."

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between red and green?

Sod all apparently if you're a cyclist.

[Raistlin]

Sat in McDonalds with the wife today when a girl walked in wearing the most revealing dress I'd ever seen. It barely reached her thighs and was so low-cut that if she coughed, her bra-less tits would undoubtedly jump out for all to see. Also, it had the slogan 'bitch whore' printed all over it.

"Eugh, look at that." Shuddered my wife. "You'd never get me in a dress like that."

"I should think not." I replied.

"It's a size ten."

[Raistlin]

They say "If you asked a hundred women to sleep with you, at least one would say yes."

It also gets you thrown out of speed dating.

[Raistlin]

If your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."

Apparently "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

[Raistlin]

A few of my mates have been trying to get into my wife's knickers.

We've set a record of eight of us so far.

[Raistlin]

The average man can fill a 500ml bottle with his cum in 2 weeks.

I had a very lonely Christmas.

[Raistlin]

My wife said to me, "Not tonight, I've got a headache."

It's good to see that the poison's working.

[Raistlin]

I went for a job interview with British Rail today and the manager said, "Can you explain why you are 2 hours late?"

I replied, "Sorry about that, but there was a leaf on my driveway."