Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I left a load of wank mags in the front room where my wife could find them.

It worked, she went out and bought me a shed.

[Raistlin]

Manchester Utd`s shop has introduced a new line of Bras for 2014.

Lots of support but no cups.

[Raistlin]

Juan Mata's proposed move to Manchester United is off - he wasn't able to sign a contract because of all the terrible pens at Old Trafford.

[Raistlin]

I always have a plastic bag with me when I take my dog for a walk.

Just incase he has a massive shit in somebody's garden and it makes me throw up.

[Raistlin]

I came home absolutely shit-faced last night.

That's the last time I take part in a Scat Orgy.

[Raistlin]

You pretty much know there is no hope for humanity,

when you realise there is a supply and demand for people bleaching other people's arseholes.

[Raistlin]

Miley Cyrus to perform on MTV Unplugged?

If you ask me, the only time she should be unplugged is if she was on life support.

[Raistlin]

Manchester United have signed Chelsea midfielder Juan Mata in a bid to save their struggling season.

I think they should have gone for his twin brother - Wont Mata

[Raistlin]

I always thought stories of prison rape were vulgar, harsh and distressing.

Then, when I heard of Justin Beiber's arrest, I found myself smiling at the concept.

[Raistlin]

'Gay man in Nigeria given 40 lashes'

I bet he looks fabulous now.

[Raistlin]

Exam question:

If Tyrone gets three melons, a new bike and a hat, what shop needs better security?

[Raistlin]

After years of not speaking to my neighbour thinking he was a bit of a twat, turns out he's a brilliant bloke.

He's run off with my wife.

[Raistlin]

I've just invented a new word:

"Plagiarism"

[Raistlin]

"He was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, wanker in a Lamborghini..."

[Raistlin]

"I won't be coming in today," I said to my boss, "My doctor says I suffer from selective hearing."

"That's not even a medical condition you idiot," he replied, "You better get your arse here immediately or else."

"Thank you so much for understanding. See you tomorrow then!"

[Raistlin]

ose Mourinho claims that after selling Mata and buying Salah, Chelsea will be finished in the transfer market...

Unless Liverpool or Tottenham want somebody.

[Raistlin]

Whats the difference between rape and necrophilia?

About 5 minutes.

[Raistlin]

I had sex with my young, blonde secretary, and made her promise to keep it a secret. A lot of good that did.

I told everyone myself

[Raistlin]

The other day I held the door open for a clown.

I thought it was a nice jester

[Raistlin]

My wife caught me watching porn and was a bit upset,

"Am I not woman enough for you," she asked,

"You're more than enough, sometimes I just want a little less," I replied.

[Raistlin]

How did doctors come up with the term PMS?

Mad Cows Disease was already taken.

[Raistlin]

Watching TV with my wife on Saturday night, I realised the exact moment I didn't want to be with her anymore.

"Those numbers again, in numerical order 6, 10, 26, 32, 35 and 48."

[Raistlin]

Justin Bieber goes to jail

Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest.

Then learns cellmate is dyslexic.

[Raistlin]

Where Have All The Flowers Gone?

To Pete Seeger's funeral service.

[Raistlin]

I have just watched a dog use a pelican crossing and I was amazed.

Pity the lights were on green and a truck killed it as it crossed.