Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A woman has the right to change her mind as many times as she wants.

Or as men call it, be indecisive.

[Raistlin]

Please note that when your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."

Apparently "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

[Raistlin]

I've just released my own fragrance.

But no one on this bus seems to like it.

[Raistlin]

If Mary, James, Peter, Richard, David and John are all in separate vehicles, travelling at a constant speed of 60mph, in a forward direction with no obstacles, at which point is Mary likely to stamp on her brakes and cause an accident?

[Raistlin]

'Australian Boy Disappears In Crocodile Snatch'

Wow, that's just bestiality at its best.

[Raistlin]

Frances Warren killed herself after a hairdressing mishap because she feared her hair was going ginger..

Sounds about right.

[Raistlin]

My mate walked up to me in the pub last night and said, "Who's the bird sitting in the corner with duct tape across her mouth?"

"That's my new girlfriend." I replied.

"Really?" he said, "You've kept that one quiet."

[Raistlin]

I can refute the common assumption that bachelors live off crap food.

Tonight I'm having a home made Thai green curry.

It used to be a chicken Korma but it's been in the fridge for three weeks

[Raistlin]

There were five in the bed, and the little one said -

"These NHS cuts are getting a bit much."

[Raistlin]

Apparently Jim Davidson asked if his solicitor could be present at his Big Brother winner interview.

Old habits.

[Raistlin]

I asked my dad, "Who's the hottie in your wedding photo?"

He said, "That's your mum."

I replied, "Then who's the fat mess in the kitchen?"

[Raistlin]

Finland.

A European country or..........

a place where Essex Girls go to lose weight?

[Raistlin]

When asked what she wanted for her birthday the wife replied "something that will make my knickers wet"

New washing machine it is then!

[Raistlin]

My wife said I wouldn't be able to cope if she left me and to prove it she moved out for a week.

She called after three days to see how I was getting on.

"I'm fine thanks", I said smugly "it's easy, I just bought a weeks worth of Pot Noodles so I won't go hungry."

"I hope you burn your mouth on the boiling water!" She screamed.

Boiling water?

[Raistlin]

I was standing over the toilet reading some graffiti on the wall.

"For the best £5.00 blow job of your life, call Sylvia," it said, and listed her phone number.

As I got back into bed I thought, "My daughter's a right slag."

[Raistlin]

The missus couldn't remember where she left her phone and said, "What's wrong with me?"

Apparently rattling off a list of 17 things is not what she was looking for.

[Raistlin]

I rang my daughters school up this morning.

"Sorry, Emily won't be in today as she's not very well."

"Oh dear," said her teacher, "what's she got?"

"P.E, Maths And English I think."

[Raistlin]

How do you know somebody has been in the armed forces?

They tell you...

[Raistlin]

Doctors treating Michael Schumacher say he is able to respond to simple instructions, and blinked during brain function tests.

Atos have declared him fit for work.

[Raistlin]

I must admit, I've been down since my wife died.

Down the pub, down the snooker hall, down the strip club..........

[Raistlin]

MEN BEWARE . . .

This Chinese new year is the Year of the Horse, so be prepared . . .

Nag Nag Nag . .

[Raistlin]

I sent a girl a picture of my cock this afternoon.

"Sorry, I think child porn is depraved and disgusting." She replied.

Cheeky bitch.

[Raistlin]

Just seen an advert for Tesco, advertising food for Chinese New Year.

Year of the Horse... Stick with what you know, eh Tesco?

[Raistlin]

I was so ugly as a baby, when my mum breast fed me, she used to shut her eyes and think of other babies

[Raistlin]

When people heard Woody Allen was doing Mia and her daughters..

They just assumed it was a sequel to Hannah and her sisters.