Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I thought only males get erections..

But I hear that Mia Farrow's daughter used to get a woody in her pants all the time.

[Raistlin]

I just emailed my application form for the dominatrix club...

I got an instant reply thanking me for my submission.

[Raistlin]

After going to see 12 Years A Slave at my local cinema, I now understand how it feels to be exploited and robbed of your dignity by ruthless, mercenary overseers.

£4.20 for a Pepsi Max.

[Raistlin]

Superbowl, Superbore... it's just rugby with extra padding for the faint hearted

[Raistlin]

What has Hugh Bonneville and Philip Seymour Hoffman got in common?

They've both been on Top Gear

[Raistlin]

I was walking my dog through the park today when a warden came over and said, "There's a £50 fine for dogs who foul the footpath."

"Well that's not going to bother him," I replied, pointing to my dog. "He's never got any money."

[Raistlin]

I failed my driving test yesterday,

I couldn't help it, the examiner was putting me off making stupid brum noises.

I won't be taking my test in Birmingham again.

[Raistlin]

My wife and her Weightwatchers' group went on a trip to New York at the weekend and on the Sunday morning, they all went to Tiffany's for breakfast.

It was just like that famous film.

....Gone in sixty seconds.

[Raistlin]

Police have found body of another M15 agent locked in own luggage

They think he's already dead but have taken him to hospital

Just in case

[Raistlin]

I've been really scared since I got sent to prison last week but today has been the scariest.

I received a letter from my wife promising she'd wait for me.

[Raistlin]

I got thrown out of my local pub quiz last night for my 'inappropriate answers'

In my defence the question was "Where do women mostly have curly hair"

Apparantly the answer is Africa

[Raistlin]

Scotland has made same sex marriages legal.

Hardly surprising from a nation where all the men wear skirts

[Raistlin]

Apparently scientists are saying semen is 'good for women's health and helps fight depression'

It makes sense, because it's normally the miserable ones who don't swallow in the first place

[Raistlin]

Our marriage guidance counsellor told me that I need to help my wife re-build her self confidence.

So I told her that some men on the internet are really attracted to fat women

[Raistlin]

I saw a fella with a bumper sticker saying:

"I am a vet; therefore I drive like an animal."

Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.

[Raistlin]

I was on a date with this girl when she started telling me about her past violent relationships.

"That's terrible," I said, holding her hand. "How bad were the beatings?"

"Well I remember one real nasty one where I broke three of his ribs and punctured a lung," she replied.

[Raistlin]

In a job interview by a future boss I was asked for something that was positive about my life.

"My HIV status" probably wasn't the best response.

[Raistlin]

Bill Clinton set's his alarm for 5 am every morning.

He loves to get up Hurley.

[Raistlin]

Russia has identified a terrorist plot targeting the Winter Olympics with bombs made from toothpaste.

This scandal has already been dubbed "Colgate".

[Raistlin]

In 1814 women had no rights

In 1914 women fought for rights.

In 2014 women are always right.

[Raistlin]

The government has just spent £185,000,000 on building a British drone.

I didn't realise the NHS had footed Anne Robinson's cosmetic surgery bill.

[Raistlin]

Seems it's true, Roaches really can survive just about anything.

Especially William

[Raistlin]

George Galloway was on Question time tonight discussing rape.

He said "No man has ever told their partner we are having sex tonight"

He's clearly never spent a week in prison.

[Raistlin]

I would like to congratulate everyone involved in the opening ceremony of the Winter Olympics for doing a fantastic job.

Especially the guy who managed to convince Vladimir Putin that he had found 2,000 male dancers and figure skaters who don't take it up the bum.

[Raistlin]

I lived in a bedroom with five brothers and one sister, so you can imagine the fights we had.

Over who gets to go first.