Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I was in a job interview.

The guy said, "What's your biggest strength?"

I said, "Self-control."

"Can you give me an example?"

"Well, I've gone two weeks without a wank."

[Raistlin]

Russia embarrassed after a ring failed to open at the Olympics opening ceremony.

The ceremony director won't have that problem for the next couple of years in Stalag 43

[Raistlin]

I don't care what you say about Sochi, and how bad the living conditions are,

I'm from fucking Glasgow, looks really good to me.

[Raistlin]

"My heroin habit is ruining my life," I said to my drugs counsellor. "I started off burgling houses to get the money, then I had to pimp out my wife and daughters, and now I'm sucking guys off in the park for a fiver."

"Let me make a call," he said, "and see if I can get you on a programme."

"Methadone?" I asked.

"No, Jeremy Kyle."

[Raistlin]

My mate and I were in the pub when he started telling me about his wife cheating on him.

He sobbed, "I can't take this, I'm going to drive my car off a bridge."

I said, "You don't want to do that, mate."

He said, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't."

I replied, "You're my lift home."

[Raistlin]

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there

was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourists very quickly concluded the cause:

when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

[Raistlin]

My wife said that she always wanted to see what Venice looked like.

So this weekend I'm taking her to Somerset.

[Raistlin]

I asked the wife what she wants for Valentines Day. She said, "I'll give you a clue. Ex-England goalie."

She thinks she's getting Flowers but instead she's getting Seaman.

[Raistlin]

I've just arrived at the camouflage club and can see we have a big turnout.

Which is really disappointing

[Raistlin]

People are busy joining the current internet hype about 'Marius' the giraffe, who was killed and fed to lions at a zoo in Yorkshire. The zoo owner has apparently also received death threats following the video circling around social networking sites.

I find it ironic that it happened on a Sunday afternoon, and most of the people moaning would've been busy tucking into a chicken dinner.

[Raistlin]

There's a new craze going round among teenagers in which they down a pint while doing something really stupid.

It's called Friday night.

[Raistlin]

Justin Bieber and Khalil Sharieff have been photographed each sucking a strippers nipple.

Khalil Sharieff's is having a left breast and Justin Biebers a Right Tit

[Raistlin]

Flappy bird creator, Dong Nguyen, has removed the program from the App Store.

This makes him the first games programmer in history to successfully pull a bird.

[Raistlin]

My wife said tonight, that her sole purpose in life is to make me happy.

And yet here she is, still alive.

[Raistlin]

I've recently started using food in my magic act.

I start by crushing garlic, basil and pine nuts and then I blend them together with grated parmesan and olive oil.

Hey Pesto!

[Raistlin]

Everything tastes different since I stopped smoking.

But now I understand why the food is so cheap in Iceland.

[Raistlin]

Riverside and seafront property values have dropped dramatically in the south of England.

This is owing to the fact that every bugger now has one.

[Raistlin]

I was walking down an alleyway late one night when some fat guy jumped out of the bush and pulled a knife on me.

"That wallet you've got in your hand..." he said, "Got anything in there for me?"

"Actually I do," I replied, giving him my gym membership card.

[Raistlin]

A friend of mine has written a song to raise money for flood victims,

it's called "Trouble over Bridgewater."

[Raistlin]

"An Englishman's home is his Castle"

Well, they are now, half of them have got moats

[Raistlin]

As you get older, women are like nightclubs.

You can only get into the shit ones.

[Raistlin]

I've helped the flood victims.

I left the shower running for over an hour earlier to get rid of some of the water

[Raistlin]

George Michael's country manor house on the Thames has been damaged as water poured in after breaching the garden walls.

It's not the first time he's had liquid forced through his back doors I'd imagine.

[Raistlin]

My car sailed through its MOT today.

The garage was flooded.

[Raistlin]

I was flashed by a speed camera going through Staines today.

No idea why, I was only doing 30 knots.