Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...

Yes, I forgot our anniversary again.

[Raistlin]

You have to feel sorry for victims of the floods: surrounded by dilapidated buildings, wading through raw sewage and watching your neighbours being made homeless on a daily basis.

It must be like living in Liverpool

[Raistlin]

The hairy bikers have asked the difference between Welsh and English faggots?.

The accent darling!

[Raistlin]

I just saw the advert on the TV there for McVities Digestives, the one where you open the packet and a cute puppy pops out.

I bet the Koreans are going nuts for them.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend said for Valentine's Day she wants a visit to the chocolate factory.

If she lets me do that then I'll happily take her out somewhere nice.

[Raistlin]

My wife, children and I have been sitting upstairs in our Somerset home, totally cut off from the outside world, with the downstairs flooded for the last five weeks.

Today the Red Cross pulled up outside in a boat.

"Thank God!" I shouted. "Have you come to save us?"

"No," they replied. "We're collecting donations for Syria."

[Raistlin]

We were on holiday in Somerset when I said to my wife,

"Did you see that mad bastard there?"

"No, " she said, "why?"

"He just swam through a red light, " I replied.

[Raistlin]

Ironic isn't it?

All this time Staines wanted to be "Staines upon Thames" and now the Thames is upon Staines

[Raistlin]

Just met a girl with 12 nipples.

Sounds funny, dozen tit?

[Raistlin]

DFS are selling settees that float and can reach up to 10 knots

They've got a sail on.

[Raistlin]

"And today on Weight Fighters, we welcome Mandy from Staines, who has lost an incredible 3 stone in one week, how have you managed it Mandy?"

"I've stopped going to McDonalds, KFC and Burger King and the local Kebab shop" she said.

"That must have taken some will power Mandy?"

"Not really", she said, "I can't swim!"

[Raistlin]

It's a bad Valentines Day when the Lamppost by the pub gets more cards and flowers than I do

[Raistlin]

I've just found out that I need to have a tetanus injection.

The wife's got us tickets for the Jeremy Kyle show next week.

[Raistlin]

Congratulations to Lizzy Yarnold on her Olympic Gold.

Always good to see a young attractive blonde, head down, ass up, riding the slippery tube, determined to pull it off.

[Raistlin]

My local Indian has announced a new dish: Chicken Tarka.

It's like Chicken Tikka but a little 'otter.

[Raistlin]

My son came home from school with a huge smile on his face.

"Dad, in the showers today, I had by far the fattest cock!" he said.

"Ah, that's my boy!" I replied, proudly. "How did it feel?"

"It felt great. My ass is a bit sore now though."

[Raistlin]

We've barely recovered from a global economic crisis and now the Thames Valley has completely flooded.

I blame the banks.

[Raistlin]

I went to identify my wife's body at the mortuary.

"Are you absolutely sure it's her?" asked the policeman.

"Yes," I said. "She's cold and she isn't talking to me, what more do you want?"

[Raistlin]

The most energetic sport at the Winter Olympics must be the curling.

I get sleepy just from watching it.

[Raistlin]

Love that warm cosy feeling when you put clothes on straight out of the tumble dryer.

This woman in the laundrette is giving me some strange looks though.

Maybe its her dress...

[Raistlin]

My internet was down for almost 4 minutes,

I'm OK but the 999 operator was a total bitch about it.

[Raistlin]

I've always dreamt of having a willy as long as a 2 litre bottle of orange soda, and just as wide.

Fanta sized, actually.

[Raistlin]

The secret to a good marriage is having sex at least 3 times a week.

And at least once with your wife.

[Raistlin]

Shouting, constantly rearranging stuff and sweeping.

No wonder women are so good at curling!!

[Raistlin]

What's the one thing that makes a woman bad at driving?

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