Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

So Roy Hodgson is in Brazil looking at the facilities.

He should be quite impressed with the leather sofas in the airport departure lounge.

[Raistlin]

I bumped into an old friend today.

I said, "Been so long, Dave. Are you married now?"

"Yeah. How about your wife?" he smiled, "I imagine she is a beauty."

I hung my head low, a tear running down my cheek, and said, "She was..."

"Oh dear, when did she die?"

"She didn't, she just got fat."

[Raistlin]

I don't like my new Fat Boy Slim sat nav, I keep going round in circles.

"Right here! Right Now! Right here! Right Now!"

[Raistlin]

I know that alcohol can't solve my problems.

But on the plus side, I no longer give a toss about them.

[Raistlin]

I love Netflix, the hours fly by

...searching desperately for something I haven't seen

[Raistlin]

The Somerset floods are getting worse by the week.

Today, a rescue boat was held hostage by Somali pirates.

[Raistlin]

Curling.

A sport which no one on earth gives a flying fuss about.

Unless their country is about to win a medal.

[Raistlin]

I was doing 80mph today when I drove into the back of a stationary van.

Luckily, he was doing 75mph, so the only damage was a couple of creased A4 notepads in the back.

[Raistlin]

I was sat in a pub pondering and looking into my glass when a stranger said to me,

"Alcohol won't solve your problems mate," he said,

"what makes you think I have got problems? " I replied,

"your bus parked outside full of people is a bit of a clue, " he said.

[Raistlin]

The Russian hockey team was eliminated from the Olympics.

People in Russia haven't been this depressed since last week.

[Raistlin]

My friends all think I'm weird, now that I've told them that I wank to my Pirelli Collection.

But those tyres are so gorgeous.

[Raistlin]

Wow, I just lost my broadband for 5 mins.

I can't complain though as it's the first thing to go down on me in years!

[Raistlin]

"Is it wrong if I masturbate by staring at the Mona Lisa?" I asked my friend.

"Of course not," he replied, "everyone has their own fetishes."

"Indeed," I murmured. "But I don't understand why the people were bitching about it in the museum."

[Raistlin]

I threw a fat feminist into a cell at my police station last night.

"You've left the laces in my Doctor Martin boots you prick!" She screamed, "I'm going to kill myself!"

"Don't worry," I said to the desk sergeant, "There's no way those laces will take her weight."

[Raistlin]

I went to my cat's funeral today.

Hopefully for the last time

[Raistlin]

I told my office junior that I'd promote her if she gave me a blow job.

She did, so I wrote: "Samantha gives great head" on the gent's wall.

[Raistlin]

The internet is a sad place, it's full of people with no balls typing abusive things to others behind the safety of their computer screen.

And if you don't agree with me, I will kill you...

[Raistlin]

My Asian girlfriend said she wanted it harder...

So I gave her a nonlinear partial differential equation.

[Raistlin]

Its my wife's birthday next week, and thankfully she's made it easy for me this year.

She has been dropping hints all week.

"My wardrobe is so full of boring clothes"

"These old rags are so horrible"

"If I have to spend another day in these 1950's housewife clothes I will cry"

She's also left her large collection of over 20 catalogues dotted all around the house. So its decided

We're gonna get rid of all her clothes and she can be done with those catalogues once and for all - and I've given her the perfect gift.

I can't wait to see her face when the Skip arrives next Tuesday

[Raistlin]

I watched curling for a few hours today and I must say I found it very boring.

Plus the women kept giving me funny looks through the hairdressers window.

[Raistlin]

The mother-in-law dropped in after shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened?" she asked anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife --- your daughter --- telling her I was coming home a day early from my fishing trip. I got home ...and guess what I found? Your daughter, Jean, in bed with a naked guy! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Calm down, calm down!" said his mother-in-law. "There's something very odd about that. Jean would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her and find out what happened."

A few minutes later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said, "I told you there must be a simple explanation --- she didn't receive your email."

[Raistlin]

DFS now have two seater sofas available with 50% off...

They're called Armchairs.

[Raistlin]

Radio DJ Chris Moyles tried to pass himself off to the Tax Office as a used car salesman.

He was found out because his patter wasn't up to scratch.

[Raistlin]

My dentist must be looking into the future.

He's replaced all of the magazines in the waiting room with phone chargers.

[Raistlin]

My wife just asked me "how many beers can you drink and still successfully drive?"

"Into what?" I replied