Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Woman driver, Susie Wolff will drive in two Formula 1 grand prix practice sessions for the Williams team in 2014.

She should do OK, there's very little reversing.

[Raistlin]

Well I must say I will be a little bit gutted if Scotland decide to leave.

The same way I was a little bit gutted when my ginger retarded alcoholic uncle died.

[Raistlin]

Fernando Torres is still on course to match his Liverpool goal scoring record with Chelsea.

Proving he scores 46 in his next match.

[Raistlin]

I'm going to the gym now.

I'm not bragging I just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

[Raistlin]

The police have arrested a man after receiving several complaints that he was riding a bicycle along the M25.

The main complaint was that he was travelling five times as fast as everyone else.

[Raistlin]

Anyone concerned about using their iPhone in a StarBucks and getting hacked because its insecure needn't worry, the iPhone maps app is more likely to take you to an Airport or the M25 instead anyway

[Raistlin]

I met my mate down the pub to introduce him to my new girlfriend.

"She's sat over there playing on her phone" I said, pointing.

"Flappy bird?", he asked.

"No, it's just the way she's sitting."

[Raistlin]

Just received a phone call from my wife saying she was to stay overnight at her mother's tonight.

Finishing my cigarette, I said to the woman sleeping next to me: 'tell your daughter she is a lying bitch!'

[Raistlin]

walked into the Chinese with my wife "Hello, I've a table booked under the name of Smith" I told the waiter.

"Sorry sir, no booking under name of Smith" came the reply "We fully booked now".

"I believe there's been some sort of mistake" I protested "I booked this table a month in advance"

Then I realised we were in the Wong Foo King Restaurant.

[Raistlin]

The last time Olympiakos beat Manchester Utd was in 325BC.

It was 2-1. Aristotle & Plato for the Greeks, Giggs with the consolation for United.

[Raistlin]

Last year I felt miserable and depressed, but this year I've managed to turn it around.

Now I feel depressed and miserable.

[Raistlin]

RBS announce huge loss.

Ed_Miliband to condemn Govt, announcing Labour will give back Fred Goodwin his knighthood and restore him as CEO

[Raistlin]

Never leave the toilet seat up in a woman's house.

She'll know you were there.

[Raistlin]

My wife really hates it when I steal her pillow at night.

Especially as I moved out six months ago.

[Raistlin]

Manchester city fans have a new favourite drink called "The David Moyes."

It's a scotch on the rocks.

[Raistlin]

They say that a shot semen contains 5 calories.

No wonder my sister's a fat bitch.

[Raistlin]

I hit the jackpot last night. Getting to see Aurora Borealis was the reason I bought the telescope in the first place.

"That's awesome", I whispered to myself excitedly.

Then she put her top on.

[Raistlin]

Whenever a body is found, it seems to be discovered by a man with a dog.

I don't know why the police don't employ them

[Raistlin]

I was listening to my daughter practice her violin,

"I wish that I was like Beethoven," I said to her.

"I didn't know you had any musical ambitions, " she replied,

"I don't, " I said, " he was deaf."

[Raistlin]

The stunning blonde dressed in nothing more than a thong and negligee, let the plumber in.

"Hello, is your husband not in?" He asked,

"Does it look like he is in?" She replied opening her negligee, "will I not do?"

"No, not really," he said, "I need your car reversing out of the drive."

[Raistlin]

As I was getting ready for my date my mum asked "So where did you meet her?"

"On the internet" I told her.

"What, one of those dating sites?" She enquired

"Yeah, sort of" I mumbled.

"Aww that's sweet, so what's her name?" She asked me

"DorsetSlut69" I said.

[Raistlin]

I bumped into my mate the other day, coming out of a beauty salon.

'Hello Dave' I said, 'what were you up to in there then?'

'Oh mate' he replied, 'its really embarrassing, I've just booked a back, crack, and sack wax'

'That's nothing to be ashamed of' I said, 'most men do stuff like that nowadays'

'I know' he replied 'but I've booked this for the wife'

[Raistlin]

I went on holiday to America for the first time today.

At first I didn't believe the rumours that they were really stupid, but then I saw them all driving on the wrong side of the road.

[Raistlin]

Things are looking good for Michael Shumacher, who shows amazing signs of recovery;

Doctors decided last week that Schumacher could be moved into a lesser dependency unit, and were shocked to find that he had already nipped down and put his beach towel over his new bed the night before.

[Raistlin]

Is there anyone on here called Justin Case?

My wife's got two kitchen drawers and a cupboard full of plastic carrier bags for you...