Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

The Ugandan Justice Minister has today urged for calm over claims that the country's new anti-gay legislation is turning into a witch hunt.

The government's successful witch hunt last year means witches no longer pose any significant threat to the public.

[Raistlin]

I went on a date with a girl from an online dating website. I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures.

Turns out he wasn't.

[Raistlin]

I managed to stop smoking last week.

Then I discovered I'm actually addicted to standing around meaninglessly in the freezing cold.

[Raistlin]

I've been struggling with Parkinson's Disease for several years now.

On the plus side, I have the whitest teeth you'll ever see.

[Raistlin]

Found a box of Viagra last night, but they didn't work.

Turns out they're past their swell by date.

[Raistlin]

After reaching across the table and taking my plate, the waitress looked at me and said, "Did you enjoy that, sir?"

"Very much so," I replied, licking my lips, "You have the most amazing cleavage."

[Raistlin]

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thanks". I said, "Don't mention it".

[Raistlin]

I love playing mind games with my wife.

Today I bought her some flowers and I haven't done anything wrong.

[Raistlin]

I must have the power to heal.

My girlfriend's nymphomania was cured the instant I married her.

[Raistlin]

With the crisis in Ukraine getting worse British politicians are doing everything in their power to deter the Russians, however Putin remains confident they'll be following him on twitter again by the end of the week...

[Raistlin]

I had a happy meal in McDonald's today.

My wife wasn't there.

[Raistlin]

Destiny, Faith and Karma.

Spiritual concepts, or strippers in Liverpool?

[Raistlin]

Oh, bloody hell!

For the record, home vasectomy kits are not a good idea.

[Raistlin]

So Russia invades Ukraine, years after they broke away from them,

Be warned Scotland, be warned.

[Raistlin]

Putin persecutes homosexuals in his own country, then goes and enters another country through the back door.

Very mixed messages from Russia.

[Raistlin]

I was having my hair cut, at the hairdressers today, when the fit bird doing my hair asked "How much would you like off the top sir?"

"The blouse and the bra please!" I replied.

[Raistlin]

Oscar news, celebrity shots, red carpet...

I'm sick of hearing about the Pistorius trial.

[Raistlin]

I phoned the police station to tell them that a gang fight had broken out near the town hall.

"Thanks for letting us know," said the sergeant.

"I'll tell the lads to avoid it on their way back to the station."

[Raistlin]

I went to this swingers party in Liverpool and tossed my keys into a bowl.

I thought I had hit the jackpot when this sultry blonde picked them out.

Never saw my BMW again.

[Raistlin]

I love that UK tradition where, after Shrove Tuesday; everyone in the country gives up pancakes for an entire year.

[Raistlin]

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.

In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

[Raistlin]

Putin: "All Russian medallist's get new Mercedes."

Reporter: "And the non-medallist's?"

Putin: "Do not open boot."

[Raistlin]

While watching Nigella's latest cookery programme, my wife moaned, "I'll never look as good as that."

"Don't be silly," I said. "With a bit of make up and camera trickery, you'd be identical."

"Really?" she asked, perking up. "I could look like Nigella?"

"Oh, sorry," I replied. "I thought you were talking about that potato."

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend and I were on the beach when she said, "Let's make love in the sea."

"Only if we don't go very deep," I replied, "because I can't swim."

A little while later she giggled and asked, "Do you think anybody realises what we're doing?"

"Probably," I said, as another wave broke over my ankles.

[Raistlin]

After Wales 3-1 victory over Iceland last night, delighted manager Chris Coleman said they are looking forward to playing Farm Foods next week.