Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

According to a survey 64% of U.S. students can't find Ukraine on the world map.

The other 36% said, "What's a world map?"

[Raistlin]

Never marry a woman who supports a top football club

A Liverpool fan will always bring up the past in any argument no matter what the topic is about.

A City fan will expect you to spend vast sums of money in order to keep them happy.

Even if you're the best they've ever had, an Arsenal fan will break up with you in the summer.

A United fan will go on and on about how shit you are compared to their ex.

A Spurs fan will always want you to commit to the next stage.

A Chelsea fan will not let you have any action and will eventually replace you with a younger, Brazilian version of yourself.

Ultimately the moral of the story is to marry a Portsmouth fan, no matter how crap you are in the future they will remain loyal throughout your marriage

[Raistlin]

My mate was killed when someone threw an equaliser at his head.

It was very graphic.

[Raistlin]

I was chatting to a girl in the pub last night.

"Are you going commando tonight?" I asked.

"Yes," she giggled, "How could you tell?"

I replied, "Because you look like Arnold Schwarzenegger."

[Raistlin]

Prime Minister David Cameron has proposed sanctions against the UK assets of Russian Oligarchs to force Putin to withdraw from Ukraine.

Apparently he has hired the Arsenal Squad for their vast experience in punishing Russian investors.

[Raistlin]

Happy International Women's Day!

As a special treat one of you gets to choose what to make me for breakfast!

[Raistlin]

The guy in Subway made my sandwich and then said, "Would you like any cookies? It's 50p for one or three for a pound."

I said, "I'll have two, please."

It took him a few seconds, but his head did eventually explode.

[Raistlin]

The woman at the job centre said she had 3 openings for me.

"Well, that's 2 more than the missus...", I thought to myself as I started taking off my pants

[Raistlin]

Today I got 100% cashback at the supermarket.

However in the end, the cashier did ask, "What's the price of this gun?"

[Raistlin]

I really like the TV channel GOLD for its alternative comedy.

First, Only Fools and Horses, then Birds of a Feather, then Only Fools and Horses, then Birds of a Feather, then...................."

[Raistlin]

A monkey with a typewriter will never recreate the works of Shakespeare.

But they can make quite a good living working for the Welsh tourism board.

[Raistlin]

After 10 years of marriage, I've learned an important lesson.

Flowers and an apology are a lot easier than actually changing.

[Raistlin]

My mate was getting ready for a date with some fat girl he met.

He asked, "What do you think I should wear?"

I replied, "A blindfold."

[Raistlin]

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.

To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

[Raistlin]

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed.

He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?"

He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house.

The operator said there were no cars available at that time.

He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!"

Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene.

After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!" The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"

[Raistlin]

A man comes home, finds his wife in bed with another man, and asks, “What is this ?”

The wife turns to her lover and says, “See, I told you he was stupid!”

[Raistlin]

As Bob Crow gets towards the pearly gates he trips on the steps near the top and bangs his head on the gates,

"Stone me, " he says to Saint Peter, "that's a health and safety issue for a start."

[Raistlin]

The BBC have managed to track down the missing plane from Malaysia ' apparently there was a brit on board that hadn't paid his tv licence

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend just got a tattoo of a drinking flask on her arm.

Apparently the plumber told her she needed to get a new Thermos tat before he could fix the boiler.

[Raistlin]

In Tribute to the passing of Bob Crow, I'll walk to work tomorrow.

It's what he always wanted!

[Raistlin]

Daily Mail online: "Norfolk fire station burns down."

Maybe someone left the irony on.

[Raistlin]

Bob Crow general secretary of the RMT has died aged fifty two.

Typical union leader, clocking out early.

[Raistlin]

Girls "love" it when you pick them up in the kitchen

But apparently hate it when I Powerslam them through the dining table to defend my intercontinental championship belt

[Raistlin]

"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life." my boss told me.

"Well it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009." I informed him.

"Really?" he asked.

"No." I said.

[Raistlin]

It is understood that Rail Union leader Bob Crow died due to a massive heart attack.

So it was blocked tubes that finally killed him, oh the irony