Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Malaysian Air Search and Rescue service.

About as useful as Bob Crow's pension.

[Raistlin]

I went to the doctor's in a panic that I might have early onset Alzheimer's, as I'd suddenly realised I couldn't even remember the last time I had sex.

"There's absolutely nothing wrong with you," said the doctor, without even examining me.

"How can you tell without a brain scan or even a thorough check-up?" I asked.

"You're wearing a wedding ring."

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend said, "I would do anything if you cooked me dinner and cleaned the house."

So needless to say, 5 hours later I was done, and that's when I realised 'anything' included lying.

[Raistlin]

"Could you spare a few minutes to talk about Jesus Christ?" asked the Jehovah's Witness.

"Yes for sure," I said as I opened the door. "Please come in."

"No thanks," he said. "I'd rather go to the next door."

I hate being a ginger.

[Raistlin]

The families of the missing passengers should be thankful that the flight wasn't with Ryanair

They would have been invoiced for the plane and possibly charged a finder's fee

[Raistlin]

First Bob Crow dies, then Tony Benn.

Typical socialists- one out, all out.

[Raistlin]

It's Michael Caine's birthday today.

You're only supposed to blow the bloody candles out, Micheal

[Raistlin]

Steak and Blow Job Day

For lovers everywhere M&S are offering two 10oz mature rump steaks and a bottle of champagne for £10.

Hoping to corner the married market Lidl are doing 2 steak burgers and a bottle of Listerine for a fiver...

[Raistlin]

Victoria Beckham, Beyonce and several other female figures are saying that the word "bossy" is offensive to women and want it banned. (Stepping on the lines of irony here, aren't we girls)

I always thought it was already a politically correct way of saying demanding bitch

[Raistlin]

I had sex with a Fat Alesha Dixon Look alike.

Afterwards I thought " That was a Big Mis Teeq ".

[Raistlin]

I once left the scene of an accident.

Not deliberately, I just didn't have my seatbelt on.

[Raistlin]

As I strolled in at lunchtime yesterday, my boss started moaning at me:

"Where the hell have you been?"

"On a course," I replied.

"Fair enough," he said. "How did you get on?"

"Not bad," I smiled. "Three under par."

[Raistlin]

As a young boy, I wanted to be Mr Benn.

A different costume every day, all those foreign trips, adventures and fun and my own bowler hat.

The nearest I got to it, was being touched up by Turkish shopkeeper in the dressing rooms.

[Raistlin]

I told my wife it was Steak and Blow job day today and 30 minutes later ....... my pizza arrived

[Raistlin]

Reports are coming in that debris and body parts from the Malaysian airline flight have been found.

Police have confirmed a 'Jap's eye' has been recovered from the A66 in Middlesbrough.

[Raistlin]

Has anyone checked with Katie Price's gynaecologist to see if he's seen that missing plane?

[Raistlin]

People say that us folk in Norfolk are stupid.

They can say what they like, at least we found that crashed helicopter straight away.

[Raistlin]

I hate when Doctors asks questions such as: "Are you sexually active?"

Depends on what you mean by "active".

There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years.

[Raistlin]

The new Pirates of the Caribbean game for the iPhone 5 is apparently having trouble with the retina tracking. Apple have stated that they will release a new patch for it soon.

[Raistlin]

Thousands of people scouring the globe tirelessly for a signal whilst mobile phones mysteriously ring out without answer, and still no rational explanation as to what the hell is going.

Welcome to Vodaphone.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend is a huge fan of Rohypnol.

She just doesn't know it.

[Raistlin]

Shame about Mick Jagger's girlfriend

He used to love her, but it's all over now

[Raistlin]

Now I don't really get politics, but I'm sure Putin's bad mood has to do with the loss of the Russian hockey team in the quarters.

[Raistlin]

Obama has warned Russia there will be "consequences" for their actions in Crimea.

Namely:

1. Russia will get a little bigger.

2. America will look a bit daft.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between an Afghani Military Base and a Pakistani Elementary School?

I don't know, I just fly the drone.