Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

The US Military has cancelled its multi billion dollar research and development program into the next generation of stealth aircraft as they discover simply turning off the transponder has the same effect.

[Raistlin]

Note to David Cameron:

You can say what you like about Putin, but at least he knows how to organise a swift in/out referendum

[Raistlin]

I went shopping with the Mrs and she leant against the self checkout machine.

It went mad!

"Unexpected bag in the item area"

[Raistlin]

"How's the diet going?" I asked my buddy.

"Not good." he sighed, "I had eggs for breakfast this morning."

"Oh dear." I sympathized, "Fried?"

"Cadburys."

[Raistlin]

In desperation to find the missing plane Malaysian authorities have reluctantly sunk to depths they thought they never would.

They have hinted to several companies that some of the passengers may have had PPI.

[Raistlin]

I saw my wife taking a selfie with no make up on.

I asked, "What are you doing?"

She said, "I'm doing it for people with cancer."

I replied, "I think they're sick enough already."

[Raistlin]

Thanks to the Budget, if I buy 320 pints of beer - I get one free

[Raistlin]

I think the new shape pound coin is great. You'll be able to use a spanner to get one out of a Scotsman's hand.

[FROSTYBALLS]

Thought you were going to say his sporran

[Raistlin]

I got on the train this morning and it was full of beautiful girls.

"Where were you lot yesterday? "I asked, "the place was full of mingers."

[Raistlin]

A 70 year old with a vajazzle?

It would be like sprinkling glitter on roadkill.

[Raistlin]

I really don't understand what all the fuss is about.

I lost a plane once for over two months. Eventually found it behind the saw in my tool shed.

[Raistlin]

Daily Mail online: "Youthful grandmother, 67, claims sperm facials are her anti-ageing secret."

Doesn't seem to be working for Jordan..

[Raistlin]

America,

The language we speak in England, is rich and varied with an eclectic mix of accents and tones which are steeped in history and tradition.

We have a knack of coining phrases which aptly and deftly describe in great detail, complexity and dexterity, exactly what we are aspiring to achieve with the fluent music of language.

Our great nation has exposed to the English-speaking world such marvelous manipulators of the spoken and written word.

I propose to you: Shakespeare, William Blake, John Milton, Jonathan Swift, Charles Dickens, Rudyard Kipling, Oscar Wilde, C.S. Lewis, George Orwell, H.G. Wells, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, J.R.R. Tolkien - and the list could go on and on.

Men who were masters of their own craft, and on whose genius did we inherit in the ways of the spoken word and form our dialect for it to evolve into an immense, all encompassing language of divine measure that today is simply and humbly known as 'The English Language'.

And so, for the last time, it's not soccer, it's bloody football.

[Raistlin]

New Miley Cyrus DVD: £15

Tub of Vaseline: £3

XL Box of Tissues: £2

The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay: Priceless

[Raistlin]

Selling Bourbon Biscuits for 49p a pack?

That's ASDA Price.

Selling Plastic Fire Trucks

That's Fisher Price

Selling pathetic rape claim stories to newspapers?

That's Katie Price.

[Raistlin]

I was on a date with a woman I met on Facebook.

I said, "I like honesty, and I can tell you're an honest girl."

"Really?" she asked. "How can you tell?"

I said, "You're the first girl I've been out with that actually looks like their profile photo."

She said, "That's a picture of Spongebob Squarepants, you cheeky git."

[Raistlin]

I've been chatting with this Thai girl on a dating site, and it seems that we have a lot in common.

A penis to start with.

[Raistlin]

What's the best thing about Line Dancing?

One grenade gets them all

[Raistlin]

How many pedants does it take to change a standard British 40 watt, 'soft glow' candle styled light bulb, with a bayonet fitting and a tungsten filament, at a height of 8 feet, with an ambient temperature of 21 degrees?

One.

[Raistlin]

I finally made my brother see sense before he had his sex change operation.

He handed his driving licence back today.

[Raistlin]

Apparently, Kate Bush didn't played live for decades because she was uncomfortable with people looking at her.

Unlucky Kate, I reckon I can still knock one out between songs.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: "India tightens up on rape"

Don't we all?

[Raistlin]

I wanted to meet a woman who doesn't go mental every time you leave the toilet seat up.

But unfortunately we haven't developed interstellar space travel yet

[Raistlin]

My wife put a no make-up selfie on Facebook this week to raise money for cancer awareness.

She's currently had over 50 offers from people bidding for what they thought was a bag of spanners.