Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?

The correct term is 'replace', actually.

[Raistlin]

Fat kids all over the country have been practicing for sport relief.

Practicing their mums signature on an excuse note for the PE teacher

[Raistlin]

My boss has been hard at work all day.

I slipped a Viagra in his coffee first thing this morning.

[Raistlin]

I had grown sick of watching my wife get fatter and fatter over the years, so decided it was time I murdered her.

I hid behind the kitchen door, ready to stab her to death when she waddled in for yet more food, and I didn't have to wait too long.

Within minutes the fat bitch came through the door, only to be confronted by me with a massive knife in my hand.

"Oh my god!!" She screamed,

"Are we having cake?"

[Raistlin]

How many fundamentalist Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They fear change, even if the world is a brighter place because of it.

[Raistlin]

"I'm feeling sad" emoticon.

Because "attention seeking git" is too close to the bone.

[Raistlin]

I got a phone call from my daughter's school to say she'd been sexually assaulted by a classmate on the playing fields.

I was shocked and surprised.

I thought the Tories had sold them off years ago.

[Raistlin]

I have a fetish for watching rodents get killed.

Imagine my disappointment when I logged on to xhamster.com

[Raistlin]

For our wedding anniversary I took my wife to "Restaurant Gordon Ramsey" in London.

I told her she could have anything she wanted as long as it didn't come to more than about £150

She had the water.

[Raistlin]

Oranges can be either male or female, how can you tell:

The males sometimes unexpectedly squirt in your eye.

The females are bitter for no apparent reason...

[Raistlin]

ASDA have started tracking their shoppers aisle by aisle from their wifi signals..

I wasn't worried, except that I stopped to tie my shoes in the mens health aisle, now my wife wants a divorce as she is convinced I'm having an affair because of offers on condoms.

On the plus side, I've got 20% off Durex!

[Raistlin]

Brussels has announced that Bisto have won the contract to be the sole supplier in Eurostar restaurant carriages.

Yet another example of the EU gravy train.

[Raistlin]

Poundland tycoon Steve Smith has started a new business venture, EstatesDirect, which promises to sell customers' houses for as little as £390.

No chance, I want at least £80,000 for mine.

[Raistlin]

An inquiry has found that the ceiling collapse at London's Apollo Theatre last December was caused by weak and old material.

Whoever booked Bobby Davro should be sacked.

[Raistlin]

Malaysia Airlines deeply regrets we must assume that none on board flight MH370 have survived.

Texts cost £1.50, reply STOP to opt out.

[Raistlin]

I had been thinking of having a nice steak for dinner all day at work today. When I got home, my wife was actually cooking steak.

"I've been thinking of steak all day." I smiled, "How did you know?"

"Didn't you know I'm a mind reader?" She winked.

What a woman! That means she doesn't mind me thinking of her sister every time we have sex

[Raistlin]

I guess Gwyneth Paltrow finally got around to listening to Coldplay...

[Raistlin]

I've decided to buy a set of knives from Asda.

After that demonstration yesterday they look great to me.

[Raistlin]

As a parting shot, my ex-girlfriend said:

"Just think, you'll never see this body naked again."

"Fair enough" I said, "I'll bare it in mind."

[Raistlin]

The families of passengers on missing flight MH370 are said to be outraged at receiving the bad news by text.

Malaysian authorities are said to be regretting adding "lol" and a smiley face at the end of the text.

[Raistlin]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor went to check on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water.

In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted

[Raistlin]

A man goes into a library, and asks for a book on how to help his disabled brother go to the toilet.

The librarian says, "I'm holding it for someone else."

"That's the one." The man replies

[Raistlin]

Things must be bad for teachers if they'd rather be on the picket line than stuck in a room full of young women dressed as schoolgirls

[Raistlin]

Christian and single?

Sex outside of marriage will make you a lot more popular.

[Raistlin]

Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow are going to divorce, or as they call it: Conscious Uncoupling.

In regard to child custody. Chris will come to collect their daughter on the weekends, or as I call it: Apple Turnover.