Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I rang up my health centre and said, "I'd like to make an appointment to see the doctor about my dyslexia."

"Certainly," said the receptionist. "What's your name please?"

I said, "Mr. Kulczycki."

She said, "Can you spell that for me?"

I said, "No."

[Raistlin]

If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, and sounds like a duck.

Should I really be having sex with it?

[Raistlin]

While masturbation is a touchy subject, oral sex is a matter of taste.

[Raistlin]

The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.

[Raistlin]

Daily Mail online: "Father builds a guillotine and chops off his own hand in bid to end 16 years of agony after doctors refused to amputate."

Anyone got this guy's address? My wife's had a headache for the last twenty minutes.

[Raistlin]

Somerset people are said to be delighted that the floods have finally receded.

Now they can go back to using their 4x4's for the purpose for which they were originally intended.

Taking the bloody kids to school.

[Raistlin]

Gay marriage legalised in England and Wales.

For those of you confused about the idea, it's like normal marriage but with blowjobs, anal and less arguments about who left the toilet seat up.

[Raistlin]

I've started to call my sister-in-law Genie, because when a bottle opens she appears.

[Raistlin]

My Mum is such an idiot...

First she forgets to remind me that it's Mothers day and then she spends the whole day being miserable!!

Just can't win with some people.

[Raistlin]

Today is the day that you begin to understand why the government gives single mothers such high benefits.

Have you seen the prices of the cards and flowers they have to buy for themselves??

[Raistlin]

I'm really getting fed up with all the nuisance phone calls

I'm going to start looking for something else to do

[Raistlin]

I had twenty wasps for breakfast this morning.

I'm trying to eat hive a day.

[Raistlin]

The 'Irish Wildlife Association' have put penguins on the 'critically endangered' list.

After their two month expedition to the North Pole, they didn't find a single one.

[Raistlin]

I just trained my dog how to fetch a beer. Now this may not sound all that impressive,

but he gets them from my neighbour's fridge.

[Raistlin]

When Jesus was getting crucified, I wonder if he thought -

"I bet this will look good on a necklace one day."

[Raistlin]

A man has been arrested for throwing rubbish onto the pitch at Old Trafford.

A Mr David Moyes will appear before magistrates in the morning.

[Raistlin]

"You're a useless parent Dave."

"Says who?"

"Says Tom and Suzanne"

"Who the hell are Tom and Suzanne?"

"Your son and daughter, Dave."

[Raistlin]

I can't believe that my boss wouldn't even let me go home ten minutes before the end of my shift so I could pick up my wife from the hospital.

No wonder everyone on the submarine hates him.

[Raistlin]

So Pink Floyd said that teachers are "just another brick in the wall"..

looks like some went on strike in Scotland

[Raistlin]

Why would you spend £90 on an England shirt when you can have bell end tattooed on your forehead for half the price?

[Raistlin]

I see the Russian army is now conducting drills on Finland's border.

Or as Putin calls it, "window shopping."

[Raistlin]

Military experts in South Korea are examining a North Korean spy drone which crashed yesterday.

A South Korean spokesman said: "We believe these spy drones have been secretly sold to the North from Western Europe. In particular, we want to speak to a company known as Airfix".

[Raistlin]

I was sitting in a strip club when an Oriental stripper came and sat on my knee, "You want some fun?" she whispered in my ear.

"That depends." I replied, "What's your name, and how much you charging?"

She said, "Penny, and sixty notes."

"Well." I said taking her by the hand, "That seems quite reasonable Miss Notes. Shall we?"

[Raistlin]

I asked the bookshop owner for the new book by Nick Clegg.

"I think I've sold out," he replied.

I said, "That's the one!"

[Raistlin]

The opening of the Glasgow Commonwealth games are going to feature derelict council tower blocks being demolished.

The games are set to last twelve years.