Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I'm really looking forward to the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow.

I've never seen a deep fried Marathon before.

[Raistlin]

Princess Anne said in an interview that she thinks Britain's badgers should be gassed.

"You think that's the best way to control the TB epidemic?", asked the interviewer.

She replied, "They have TB?"

[Raistlin]

My wife of twenty years was killed during a violent mugging while we were on holiday in the Dominican Republic for our 'China' wedding anniversary.

The suspect was caught and as a witness, I stayed for the trial which saw him jailed for life.

I remained composed throughout it all, keeping a dignified solemnity for the two months it took for the Dominican government to allow repatriation of my wife's body back to England.

It wasn't until I eventually arrived back at home, to the house we bought together, where we raised our children and believed we would spend our golden years, that I broke down into inconsolable floods of tears.

I hadn't cancelled the milk.

[Raistlin]

BBC: Sir Bruce Forsyth steps down from Strictly Come Dancing

I'm sure that's the first sign of the apocalypse...

[Raistlin]

I was right at the front of the queue when they were handing out brains.

It turned out to be a scam.

[Raistlin]

"Dust pollution in South-East eases dramatically"

This must be due to a cleaner closing the door to the trophy cabinet at the Emirates

[Raistlin]

My wife has just had her first full bikini wax.

It looks like shaved roadkill

[Raistlin]

Didn't realise just how down-on-his-luck my neighbour was until I saw the sign on his car window.

For sale.

Apply within.

[Raistlin]

I called 999 for an ambulance today.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the operator.

"I stumped my toe on the coffee table." I replied.

"And you want an ambulance for that?" he laughed.

I said, "No, it's for my wife, she shouldn't have laughed."

[Raistlin]

Keepers at Edinburgh zoo are hoping their giant pandas will mate within the next two weeks.

There is only a thirty six hour window every year this could happen, apparently.

I didn't realise they were married...

[Raistlin]

My wife hasn't got a hash tag.

She's got a hag tache.

[Raistlin]

It's been reported that climate change could affect supply of fruit and vegetables worldwide and that education is key to helping to prevent such a devastating event occurring.

Scottish First Minister, Alex Salmond, has stated that although he is aware of the need for further research, he has no intention of inciting panic and confusion by introducing new and healthy produce to Scotland

[Raistlin]

I woke up this morning to find 'Paedo scum lives here' on my garage door.

He better not scratch my car.

[Raistlin]

I pointed the gun at my wife and asked "Any last words?"

Three hours later I shot her.

[Raistlin]

3 deaths in the grenade shop yesterday after the shopkeeper asked:

"Can I have your PIN please?"

[Raistlin]

Daily Mail online: "Drugs mule Melissa is 'on her way home' from Peru as minister gives green light for her to return to UK."

Bitch better have Leroy's coke.

[Raistlin]

As member of the forensics team it was my job to wrench the door open and lead the team inside.

"Oh god the smell! It's awful!" the new rookie said as he covered his face with his hand

"You'll have to bear it" I replied "Nobody ever forgets the smell" I tried to comfort him

"But its so sweet and fruity... kind of like..."

"Peaches?"

"Yeah"

[Raistlin]

After 3 years of fighting extradition, Shrien Dewani flies out to South Africa to face trial for murder.

Looks like the honeymoon's over, son

[Raistlin]

I could never decide whether Peaches Geldof looked more like her mum or her dad.

I guess that's settled now.

[Raistlin]

I can't believe I won this year's scepticism award.

[Raistlin]

Stop making jokes about Peaches Geldof - if the only job you could get was modelling Tesco's clothing you'd want to kill yourself too

[Raistlin]

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself. "Well this changes everything"

[Raistlin]

Toyota is to recall 6.4 million vehicles.

What a pain in the Yaris.

[Raistlin]

The lady on the Pine-Sol commercial told me to disinfect the thing I touch the most.......

this is going to sting....

[Raistlin]

A wise man once told me that if your good at something you should never do it for free.

And that ladies is why I'm a virgin