Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?"

[Raistlin]

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem.

I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.

"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said.

"Now turn all the way around.

Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see.

Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside.

"You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

[Raistlin]

At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sexual intercourse right now.

Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.

Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.

Fact: 1 lonely bugger is reading this forum...

You hang in there sunshine...................

[Raistlin]

The College Food Chain

THE DEAN

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound

Is more powerful than a locomotive

Is faster than a speeding bullet

Walks on water

Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD

Leaps short buildings in a single bound

Is more powerful than a switch engine

Is just as fast as a speeding bullet

Talks with God

PROFESSOR

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds

Is almost as powerful as a switch engine

Is faster than a speeding BB

Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool

Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR

Barely clears a quonset hut

Loses tug of war with a locomotive

Can fire a speeding bullet

Swims well

Is occassionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR

Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings

Is run over by locomotives

Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury

Treads water

Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR

Climbs walls continually

Rides the rails

Plays Russian Roulette

Walks on thin ice

Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT

Runs into buildings

Recognizes locomotives two out of three times

Is not issued ammunition

Can stay afloat with a life jacket

Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT

Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings

Says "Look at the choo-choo"

Wets himself with a water pistol

Plays in mud puddles

Mumbles to himself

DEPARTMENT SECRETARY

Lifts buildings and walks under them

Kicks locomotives off the tracks

Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them

Freezes water with a single glance

She IS God.

[Raistlin]

A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory.

After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice.

The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office, "But why?" he asked.

"Nothing, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly.

"Look, I'll give you a raise."

"No," she said

"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."

"Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't had this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."

Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear it's nature. Look I have it too...."

"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."

[Raistlin]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

[Raistlin]

How do you confuse a blonde ?

You don't, they're born that way.

[Raistlin]

A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened!

She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."

The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"

The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"

The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"

She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today.

His willy is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!"

[Raistlin]

One night a police officer named Mike was working the grave-yard shift and he drove to his house around 3 A.M. in the morning.

He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark ,and got in bed with his wife.

Then she said ,"Honey, can you go over to the Drug Store and pick me up some Asprin?"

The husband said yes, got dressed in the dark, and walked over to the Drug Store.

When he got to the Drug Store, he got the Asprin and went up to the desk so that the clerk could ring it up.

Then when he got up there, the clerk asked,"Say, Aren't you Mike This-and-That?"

Mike answered him and said, "Yes I am."

Then the clerk looked puzzled and asked, "Well, aren't you a police officer?"

And again Mike replied yes.

Then the clerk asked,"Then why are you dressed like the fire chief?"

[Raistlin]

What is the worst thing about our justice system?

You're leaving your fate in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

[Raistlin]

A pastor skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting.

Along the trail he turned a corner and collided with a bear. the pastor stumbled, backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain, the bear in hot pursuit.

Finally the pastor crashed into a bolder, breaking both his legs and sending his rifle flying through the air, just out of his reach.

As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! - Lord please make this bear a Christian".

Suddenly the bear skipped to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to it's knees, clasped it's paws together, began to weep and said "God bless this food which I am about to receive!"

[Raistlin]

A Doctor says to a patient, "Well, I've got good news and bad news."

The patient asks for the bad news and the doctor tells him that he has just three weeks to live.

"Three weeks! That's terrible. I'll be dead in three weeks! What's the good news."

Doctor says, "See my new huge breasted receptionist?

Well, I'm sleeping with her!"

[Raistlin]

On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change.

The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.

"Oh, oh, aaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."

Puzzled she asks, "my picture?"

He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe? We are married now."

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, oh, my, let me get a picture."

He beams and asks, "why?"

She answers, "so I can get it enlarged!"

[Bizarra]

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant

my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a

garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you

would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,

Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son::

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden.

That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug

up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old

man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son::

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.

That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

I love you,

Vinnie

[Raistlin]

A quadruple amputee is waiting at the bus stop.

The bus pulls up.

Driver says "Alright John, how you getting on today?"

[Raistlin]

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another one said, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

[Raistlin]

A business man from New York decided to quit his job and buy a 200 acre spread in Montana.

One day while out riding his horse, he came across another man on horseback.

The man told him he was his next door neighbour and he was having a get-together the coming weekend.

He said: I have to warn you though, there will be a lot of drinking at this party.

The city slicker said no problem.

There will also be sex going on.

No problem he responded. Well, There will probably be some fighting too.

I think I can handle myself, claimed the new neighbour.

As he rode off, he turned and asked the party host. "By the way, what should I wear at the party"

The man, responded "Oh, it don't matter, It's only going to be me and you!"

[Raistlin]

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?

Two Mennonite!

[Raistlin]

A tough case was being argued in court.

The defense attorney, feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle of hundred-year old brandy.

The defendant was fit to be tied.

"The judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We're dead!"

"I don't think so," his attorney told him. "I sent it in the other lawyer's name!"

[Raistlin]

Once there was a King who was loved by all of his subjects, especially because of the hunting excursions he shared with them.

As will happen, one day he died and his eldest son took the throne.

Now this new king was an animal-lover to the core, and immediately outlawed all forms of hunting and fishing.

His subjects accepted this for only a short time before they ousted him.

This is a truly significant event, because it's the first time a reign was called on account of the game.

[Raistlin]

A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch.

When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure not to let somebody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer from you.

The deer belongs to whoever shoots it."

The guy goes to his own blind.

Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby.

He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's hollering, "Awright, lady, awright--you can have the goddamn deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!"

[Raistlin]

Laws for Women to Live by

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man - look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years, Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?

A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings.

[Raistlin]

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver.

A women was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside.

'Step aside, lady,' he barked. 'I've taken a course in first-aid!'

The women watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder.

'Pardon me,' she said. 'But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here.'

[Raistlin]

Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun.

I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those worm tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away.

The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to screw the cat."