Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My Dad stopped paying the rent on his allotment after being diagnosed with depression.

He ended up losing the plot.

[Raistlin]

Apparently the early excitement that they might have found the black box from the Missing Malaysia MH370 craft have been dealt a blow when they discovered it was the wrong Black Box.

A spokesman for the Navy said, 'We should have realised earlier when found that it's signal was 'Ride On Time'.

[Raistlin]

As I stood at the bus stop having a smoke, I was surprised to see the bus leaving before its scheduled time.

I could've sworn I put the handbrake on

[Raistlin]

As he took my statement the officer said, "Sir, you know you should never leave anything of value visible in your car."

I replied, "I didn't. They were only my daughters' One Direction tickets."

[Raistlin]

I'm greatly looking forward to seeing Cameron Diaz's new film, The Other Woman.

She'll be showing more of her versatile range of acting skills, this time playing a comedy slut.

[Raistlin]

I shaved my wife's pubes to look like a map of Australia.

She ended up with a massive bush.

[Raistlin]

Old South African saying:

To maintain a perfect relationship, a woman should be a chef in the kitchen, a maid in the living room, a whore in the bedroom..

and a target in the bathroom.

[Raistlin]

Whenever I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we as a society have come in equality.

And then I wait for the next bus.

[Raistlin]

I was furious when I dropped my camera in the loo earlier.

Not quite as furious as the woman I was trying to record though.

[Raistlin]

There's a rumour going around that there's a well-known 1970s TV personality who isn't a paedophile.

[Raistlin]

I see France has made it illegal to work past 6 p.m.

Probably so government ministers can spend more time with their mistresses.

[Raistlin]

My scouse mate was inconsolable after his house burnt to the ground.

"Everything," he sobbed, "everything I ever stole was in that house."

[Raistlin]

My friend and his work colleagues were all due to run in today's Marathon in aid of injured bus drivers.

But they all pulled out without indicating.

[Raistlin]

Just want to thank a few people for helping with my preparation for this years London marathon.

SCS, for the sofa, LG for the TV, Hovis and Danish for the bacon sandwich.

[Raistlin]

This morning I spent five hours trying to remove a program from my computer that was hidden from view, relaying info about my activities back to its server and slowing my system down by 800%.

If anyone knows how to safely get rid of Norton Antivirus, I'd love to hear.

[Raistlin]

I see that in Michigan, two people are being sued for $2 million after burning down an apartment complex while cooking a squirrel with a blowtorch.

Now I'm not an accountant, but it sounds like they might not have $2 million.

[Raistlin]

I've just heard the 'Breaking News' that the search team looking for missing flight MH370 are going to deploy a submersible underwater search vehicle.

Now let me get this straight, only now, 5 weeks after a heavy metal object plunged into the sea, they are going to look underwater for it

[Raistlin]

William and Kate said the wanted to give baby George 'the full Kiwi kid experience' while he was in New Zealand.

So they've left him in the car while they spend the day at the pub.

[Raistlin]

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

[Raistlin]

Loving my new South African Cluedo.

You know who did it, where, and the weapon.

You just have to work out why.

[Raistlin]

Wife: You used to shower me with gifts before marriage, but rarely now.

Me: Yes.

Wife: Why?

Me: Have you ever seen a fisherman giving worms to fish after catching them?

And that's when the fight started...

[Raistlin]

News: Google to sell Google Glass for $1,500.

Finally ending the myth that people who wear glasses are smart.

[Raistlin]

Scientist examining the sample of the oil slick found in the Indian Ocean say they are on the verge of finding the answer for this long standing mystery.

They state the oil is of the same composition of the hair gel used by Glenn Miller.

[Raistlin]

Watching Thomas the tank engine with the kids and I swear Ringo Star just mentioned Hillsborough

[Raistlin]

My Liverpudlian mate's just started working at the local abattoir, stunning the animals.

They've never seen a Scouser with a job.