Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Not sure if she's a tranny? Hope for the breast.

Prepare for the wurst.

[Raistlin]

Breaking News:

A team of scouse scientists have been dispatched to Ethiopia to demonstrate to the starving people how to milk a dead cow for more than 25 years.

[Raistlin]

It would appear that the South Koreans are using a slightly less orthodox method of searching for the missing Malaysian plane...

[Raistlin]

Everyone is always saying how romantic I am because even after being with my wife for 12 years, I still hold her hand when we are out in public.

Let them think whatever they want.

All I know is, if I'm holding it, she can't hit me with it.

[Raistlin]

I had unprotected sex last night.

Shagged the wife with the light on.

[Raistlin]

I was really tired this morning but I couldn't sleep, I'd heard that having a wank can relax you so I quickly knocked one out and I was soon fast asleep.

It almost worked too well though, if he driver hadn't had to stop suddenly I might have missed my stop.

[Raistlin]

My wife asked me, "On a scale of one to ten, how much do you love me?"

I replied, "I'm still counting the zeroes."

"Wow! That much?" She beamed.

"Yeah, it's a pretty big decimal."

[Raistlin]

"Tell the truth." The wife demanded, "Does this make me look too fat?"

"Err.. n..no." I stumbled. "It's.. It's ok."

"Oh good." She replied. "As long as I don't look ridiculous."

"Hang on, you didn't ask me THAT."

[Raistlin]

"Scientists discover female insect that has a penis".

Bet it originates from Thailand.

[Raistlin]

My son had his first 69 today, but he thought it was gross.

He said he's going to stick to women his own age.

[Raistlin]

My car's fan belt snapped and I had no money on me to buy another. Luckily, I knew how to use the wife's tights to fix it.

I put them on my head and robbed Halfords.

[Raistlin]

So its the year 2014 and yet with so much modern technology we still dont have an Easter egg sized cream egg

[Raistlin]

Just bought one of those Chelsea Easter eggs, but it crumbled at home

[Raistlin]

"As a doctor, I find religious zealots sickening. I had to let a 12 year old die because his parents are Seventh Day Adventists who don't believe in blood transfusions.", I complained to my friend.

"Isn't it Jehovah's Witnesses who don't allow blood transfusions?" he asked.

"Oh bugger"

[Raistlin]

I always wear sunglasses on the beach so women won't know I'm staring at their tits.

I think the puddle of drool on my chest gives it away though.

[Raistlin]

My wife went camping when she was on her period and, unfortunately, attracted a bear.

She ripped the poor things head off.

[Raistlin]

How do you make an American starve to death?

Jam the windows closed on the driver's side of the car.

[Raistlin]

So it looks like David Moyes is going to be leaving Old Trafford with a £4,000, 000 pay off.

And then there's the bonuses, from Liverpool, Manchester City, Arsenal, and Chelsea.

[Raistlin]

I said to my mate, "My bum isn't half sore, any idea why?"

He said, "Ringsting!"

I said, "Why, do you think he will know?

[Raistlin]

I was lost in Liverpool searching for the hospital after getting a call that a friend had been admitted while on a night out. After attempting to communicate with a native in the hope of directions, it became clear the accent barrier was simply too vast.

Slowly, however, we began to make some ground.

"Big important building.... lots of people in pyjamas on medication."

His wary nods became an understanding smile and I was directed immediately to Asda.

[Raistlin]

When I undress in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on

[Raistlin]

David Moyes popped round for coffee earlier.

He's the same away from football as he is in it.

Always a mug, never a cup.

[Raistlin]

Following the sacking of Moyes, the police have been called to quell the protests outside Old Trafford.

The Liverpool, Man City, and Chelsea fans have been all told to go home.

[Raistlin]

Following the sacking of David Moyes, Ryan Giggs has been installed as Caretaker Manager as he is the longest serving member of staff.

As second longest serving member, Howard Webb has been lined up as his assistant.

[Raistlin]

You know you have OCD when you watch a sexy, bikini car wash.

The girls are sticking their tight bums in the air, splashing each other with water and occasionally making out.

And there I am thinking "she really needs to have another go on that wheel arch"