Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Jurgan klopp has ruled himself out of the man utd job but said his brother klipity might be interested

[Raistlin]

I was shocked when my adopted daughter told me she was going to marry a witch doctor.

"Why do you want to do that?" I said.

"Pwobabwy for financial secuwity," she replied.

[Raistlin]

People are saying that sperm has terrific anti-wrinkle properties.

But if that were true, with the amount of wanking I do my bed would probably make itself.

[Raistlin]

Nice to see people celebrating St Georges day today in the usual manner.

By bloody complaining about it

[Raistlin]

As a Manchester City supporter I was incensed when I heard Mourinho say he was going to play a weakened side in Chelsea's match with Liverpool.

He is going to play without his star striker Fernando Torres.

Oh, wait a minute.....

[Raistlin]

I've renamed my penis "competition".

Now when I tell people I've just beat off some stiff competition they look impressed with me rather than ashamed

[Raistlin]

Apple announced it will recycle its used products for free.

That's not to be confused with what Apple normally does.... when it recycles its old ideas for £500

[Raistlin]

I can't believe it but Greggs now have some ethnic foreign shite on sale.

Cornish Pasties

[Raistlin]

Two Unicorns were on Noah's Ark when one said to the other, "Hi, I'm George."

The other replies, "Pleased to meet you George, I'm Arthur."

[Raistlin]

I don't think we need worry about Cornwall and it's ethnic rating.

Cliff-top homes are falling into the sea and it won't be long before the county is completely under water.

[Raistlin]

Whenever you argue with your missus, never go to bed angry.

Stay up and keep arguing with the bitch.

[Raistlin]

Every time I log into Facebook there are loads of Sponsored posts about herpes cures.

It's obviously some sort of viral marketing campaign.

[Raistlin]

The doctor told my wife she had cancer and after a good cry in his surgery, she composed herself a little..

"Oh well." She said, snuffling, trying to smile. "At least I'll be allowed to do one of those 'race for life' events for charity."

"That's a good idea." He said. "Do you think you'll do it quickly?"

"Well it's not competetive, really." She explained. "More of a fun thing."

"No, love." He said. "I meant you'll be dead in a fortnight."

[Raistlin]

I have just submitted my Jimmy Savile damages claim form;

It was on Thursday 8th July 1977 when he traumatised me , by suddenly appearing on screen as I was knocking one out to Pans People.

[Raistlin]

This week was "Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day."

Or as kids call it, "Play With an iPad in a Corner Day."

[Raistlin]

In a private moment today, David Moyes drank some tea.

Then closed his eyes, smiled and with both hands, lifted the empty cup above his head.

[Raistlin]

I've read "Lolita" a number of times but, after that first shocking time, I've never been able to read the explicit sex scenes again.

The pages are stuck together.

[Raistlin]

If you ask me, Parkinson's disease is way better than Alzheimer's.

I'd rather spill half my pint than forget where I left the full one.

[Raistlin]

My wife's had to give up work because of her obesity.

We just couldn't afford the packed lunches any more.

[Raistlin]

I wouldn't say it's easy living with erectile dysfunction.

But it's not hard

[Raistlin]

David Moyes has been offered another job already! The Great Britain Tobogganing Team have said they have been looking for years for someone who can push a team downhill at that sort of speed.

[Raistlin]

Ironing done.

Hoovering done.

Washing done.

Dusting done.

Kids bathed.

Kids in bed.

Perfect!

Now I can leave the pub.

[Raistlin]

My wife looks no different now than she did on our wedding day, almost 27 years ago.

Mouth full of cake.

[Raistlin]

My daughter lost her roller-skate, so I told my wife about my life insurance policy.

Sure enough, the next day, I found it at the top of the stairs.

[Raistlin]

I walked in on my 12 year old daughter smoking and said "Since when do you smoke?" to which she casually replied, "Since I lost my virginity"

"What, when did you lose your virginity?" I asked

"I cant remember to be honest, I was so drunk".