Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Bruce Forsyth would have been in court on child abuse charges but he's that old all his victims have died.

[Raistlin]

A single cow can make 400 hamburgers.

That's amazing, they should hire them as cooks at McDonald's

[Raistlin]

Whenever I'm tired,I always pull over and take a half hour nap,just to be on the safe side.

I think it's also fair to say,I'm not the most popular bus driver in town.

[Raistlin]

Paul Simon and his wife Edie Brickell suffered minor injuries in a domestic this week.

The argument started while they were in bed.

He called her Betty, and she called him Al.

[Raistlin]

The Taliban have announced that they now have a stealth bomber.

Sounds impressive, until you find out it's just a guy wearing a rucksack underneath his jacket.

[Raistlin]

Can anyone tell me where I can buy these so-called peaches with heroin in them that I have been hearing about on the news?

[Raistlin]

"Stay indoors between 9 & 3 and expect a special delivery." I said to my wife on her birthday.

She seemed really excited considering my PS4 was on its way.

[Raistlin]

Filming the next instalments of Star Wars in the UK is a bit disappointing after all the others were filmed in space.

[Raistlin]

Residents of a town in Canada are living in fear of a bloated rotting whale carcass that could explode at any time.

Welcome to my world.

[Raistlin]

I sent my daughter away to a summer school dedicated to learning about irony.

A week later I received a letter in the post saying it was OK but nothing to write home about.

[Raistlin]

Following racist accusations, Jeremy Clarkson has said as a goodwill gesture, and to prove it was all a big misunderstanding he'll invite Lenny Henry onto Top Gear as the Star in the reasonably priced car.

Just as soon as the production team fit a Tracker.

[Raistlin]

Porn Hub has pledged to plant a new tree for every hundred videos watched.

The amount of tissue paper I get through, I'm still not sure that's environmentally sustainable.

[Raistlin]

I really can't believe what I've being reading about Peaches Geldof lately...

"Writer, TV presenter, model"

[Raistlin]

Jeremy Clarkson should be more careful what he says,

If he carries on like he is he will be on a slippery slope.

[Raistlin]

I can't believe that Jeremy Clarkson used the "N" word.

Nissan

[Raistlin]

Should Jeremy Clarkson get the sack for his racist comment?

hmmmmm

"Eeny, meeny, miny, moe"

[Raistlin]

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous.

If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.

I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

[Raistlin]

Eenie Meenie Miney Moe.....

Catch a Straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual man, woman or transgender individual of various race, religion and/or creed by the toe in an ecologically sustainable manner whilst taking care not to infringe on their human rights or impose cultural or economic stereotypes on said personage

[Raistlin]

The late author Sue Townsend has been laid to rest.

During the digging of her grave, 13 and 3/4 moles were found.

[Raistlin]

My new girlfriend gave me a beer, and handed me a coaster.

I knew right then it wasn't going to work out.

She obviously thinks I was going to put down my beer.

[Raistlin]

I got a text message from my wife earlier that read, "I'm lying in bed waiting for you."

I text back. "I'd love a shag, babe, but I'm stuck in work."

She replied, "You forgot I'm having surgery today didn't you?"

[Raistlin]

I always bring a condom with me on a night out.

Unfortunately it's always the same one.

[Raistlin]

My wife of twenty three years said to me "Is there anything I can do to make you happy?"

I replied "Apparently not!"

[Raistlin]

Fitting instructions:

1) Lay on the floor

2) Shake uncontrollably

[Raistlin]

I arrived back at my car just as the traffic warden stuck the ticket on the windscreen 'You disgust me, you really are the lowest of the low' I said.

'I'm just doing my job' she protested.

'Just make sure my tea's on the table when I get home you bitch' I replied.