Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Liverpool fans were celebrating another major trophey last night

The Champions League in 2005

[Raistlin]

A security guard stopped me as I walked out of the supermarket today.

"Can you open the jacket for me please, sir?" he asked.

"Sure," I replied, unbuttoning it all the way down, "There you go."

He said, "Thanks, but I meant yours."

[Raistlin]

I was in a shop in Liverpool today.

All the items had a steal-by date.

[Raistlin]

As a moth, I used to think life was shallow and futile, with very little to get excited about.

And then I saw the light.

[Raistlin]

Now all those crying scousers know how it feels to have something stolen from them for a change.

[Raistlin]

Manchester United fans are loving Liverpool's disastrous end to the season.

You could say they are in seventh heaven.

[Raistlin]

Dropped the kids off at school today.

You should have seen the relief on their parents faces.

[Raistlin]

My landlord just called and said my neighbour's just complained about all the loud freaky sex they are hearing from my flat...

So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.

[Raistlin]

There's a huge sigh of relief from all the blokes that said they would get married when Liverpool won the league...

Close one eh?

[Raistlin]

Bought a dog and called him shark..

I'm now banned from every beach in England.

[Raistlin]

The Kremlin has announced that all swear words will be banned from TV/radio/cinema in Russia from the 1st of July.

It seems Vladimir Putin will go to any length to prevent someone calling him a ....

[Raistlin]

Me: Hey I called to ask if you are still mad at me.

Wife: No, I'm not. Relax

Me: Phew! Thanks heavens, I almost bought some flowers.

[Raistlin]

I asked the librarian if he had the new book about erectile dysfunction.

He tapped his keyboard, and peered at the screen. "It's not coming up", he frowned.

I said "That's the one.

[Raistlin]

Two suicidal perverts are standing at the top of a cliff, looking out to sea and at the rocks below.

One turns to the other and says "you're thinking about tossing yourself off, aren't you?"

[Raistlin]

The McCanns are expecting good news from Portugal soon:

It's rumoured that their favourite tapas bar is extending "happy hour".

[Raistlin]

Gary Barlow and pals to pay £20 million back to HMRC.

Perhaps they should change the name of their band to 'Tax That' and release a new single called; 'All I do each day is pay.'

[Raistlin]

The Nigerian Government are now offering a $3million reward for the safe return of the missing girls.

All you need to do is to provide your name, address, date of birth, bank details and mother's maiden name.

[Raistlin]

I went to a referee's funeral today

It was a good send off

[Raistlin]

So the U.S. army have decided to try out drone technology to find the kidnapped girls in Nigeria. I'm sceptical.

The McCann's have been droning for years with no sign of Maddie to show for it.

[Raistlin]

The mums of the missing Nigerian school girls must be devastated ' now they have to walk to the next village for a bucket of water.

[Raistlin]

EXCLUSIVE: Yewtree cops to target pop superstar in post-Clifford anti sex abuse sting

One of the world's biggest music stars and a former politician are the new targets of anti-sex abuse police following the conviction of Max Clifford.

Let's not speculate who it could be...it's so funny how we don't talk anymore.

[Raistlin]

Conchita Wurst or NO Wurst..... that is the question?

[Raistlin]

My mate just did a status on how he feels the victory for the bearded women in the Eurovision Song Contest would bring equality, peace and freedom.

It was the wurst status ever.

[Raistlin]

News just in from Pyongyang,

North Korea have won Eurovision for the 27th year running.

[Raistlin]

Just goes to show...

If you want a woman to do a job well....get a bloke to do it for her!