Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Congratulations to Conchita on winning the Eurovision Song Contest.

The last time an Austrian with amusing facial hair made such a big impression across Europe was in 1939.

[Raistlin]

A girl came up to me in a bar - short skirt, tits like ripe fruit, hair in a pony tail. "What would you say if I told you I was wearing no underwear?" she breathed.

"I'd say 'neither am I'."

She raised her eyebrows. "Really? I'm wearing none because it gives men like you..." she licked her lips, "easy access..."

"Oh?" I replied. "I've got none on because I just shit myself in the gents."

[Raistlin]

I see they put Ukraine on first in the Eurovision Song Contest.

Is that in case it stops being a country by the end?

[Raistlin]

My flatmate called me gay when I complained that I'd cut myself shaving.

"Gay?" I said, "Look at the state of my leg!"

[Raistlin]

A man goes to the doctors for his test results.

"I don't know how to tell you this..." began the doctor.

"Oh my god, its cancer isn't it?" exclaimed the man.

"No, I've got a lisssph," said the doctor.

[Raistlin]

I once entered a chat room pretending to be a horse.

After half an hour I realised someone was trying to groom me

[Raistlin]

Feeling down? Depressed? Suicidal? Need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to talk to?

No one forced you to support Liverpool.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend runs her own very successful hairdressing business.

She's not short of a bob or two.

[Raistlin]

-Canesten Once.

-Vagisil.

-Waxing strips.

Katie Price's bucket list.

[Raistlin]

BBC News - Women set to be allowed to serve combat roles on the front line .

I think you will find it's spelt " Rolls ".

[Raistlin]

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, Sir?"

"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"

"No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

[Raistlin]

This girl in a bikini stopped me to ask directions. I just kept saying to myself, "Don't stare at her tits, don't stare at her tits."

Then she said, "Don't stare at whose tits?"

[Raistlin]

The secret to a happy marriage:

Tools, Internet options, Clear history, Delete files, Delete cookies.

[Raistlin]

"Can you give me a synonym for the word 'Adrift'?" Asked my blonde girlfriend.

"Off course." I replied.

"Well,what is it then smart ass?"...

[Raistlin]

People are saying that Jeremy Clarkson is 'untouchable' at the BBC.

Of course he is.

He's the wrong sex and about 40 years too old.

[Raistlin]

Rocker Ozzy Osbourne cannot convert part of his Buckinghamshire estate until he can protect the bats which live there, the council says.

Talk about Karma.

[Raistlin]

I went into the library and said to the librarian:

"Can I have a book on navigating town centres please?"

"This is a pasty shop, sir." She replied

[Raistlin]

Nigel Farage says that homosexuality makes most people over 70 uncomfortable.

I'm guessing they're just not using enough lube.

[Raistlin]

Apple have informed Dr.Dre that the deal for his head phones is now off.

They are going to go with Beats by Solange instead.

[Raistlin]

I love selling stuff on the internet to people who don't know you.

I've already sold the same homing pigeon 24 times on eBay.

[Raistlin]

Less than a week after Nigel Farage said "don't call us a racist party," Sanya-Jeet Thand, UKIP's ethnic minority poster girl has resigned.

I was outraged they even labelled her an 'ethnic minority poster girl' in the first place.

I mean she isn't even that attractive.

[Raistlin]

When I saw this old woman drop her towel I got an immediate erection.

Why does the linen section of M&S always do this to me?

[Raistlin]

Leave Gary Barlow alone!

Whatever he said, whatever he did, he didn't mean it.

[Raistlin]

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.

[Raistlin]

A Lorry full of chickens has overturned this morning on the M60.

Police say they were travelling back from Anfield, where Liverpool FC had been counting them for the last 8-10 weeks.