Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I went to the Paradox Foundation today.

There was a sign on the door that read: 'Sorry we're closed, please come in.'

[Raistlin]

The wife puts on a new frock.

"How do I look?" she asks.

"Like a winner!" I reply.

She goes away pleased.

And I thank god for Eurovision

[Raistlin]

Lily Allen says she turned down the chance of a role in Game of Thrones, "because there was too much incest with my brother".

They could just have broken up for a few weeks while she went to film the show.

[Raistlin]

I had sex with my mum's sister the other day.

Just thought I'd up the Aunty.

[Raistlin]

I'm not saying my wife's thick, but she asked me what 'vice versa' meant yesterday.

So I told her it was the other way around.

"What's versa vice mean then Dave?"

[Raistlin]

My psychiatrist has just told me I'm a playdophile and dyslexic.

[Raistlin]

The Turkish broadcasting corporation have bought the rights to the classic BBC sitcom featuring retired old men in Yorkshire and are planning an edgier, more dramatic remake.

"Blast of the Soma mine" will air shortly.

[Raistlin]

Nobody in Newcastle wears a jacket.

In a nightclub queue, it's all boob tubes and mini skirts, even in winter.

Then the women arrive.

[Raistlin]

Soma time.

And the digging ain't easy...

[Raistlin]

If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is technically a smoothie.

[Raistlin]

I'm going to vote to get us out of Europe in the forth coming Elections...

If David Moyes is running I'll vote for him...he did a brilliant Job getting United out of Europe

[Raistlin]

"I'm Jake the Peg, diddle iddle iddle um,

With my extra leg, diddle iddle iddle um."

Those lyrics make a lot more sense now...

[Raistlin]

I saw the postman being attacked by our next door neighbour's dog.

I thought I'd be a hero and go and help him.

Great, the dog gets off Scot free and I end up with an ABH charge

[Raistlin]

I see Tesco's are now offering HIV tests at their supermarkets.

Hopefully they'll start offering DNA tests next; that way we can check if their lasagne actually has any beef in it.

[Raistlin]

Former England goalkeeper David James has been declared bankrupt.

He could never save anything anyway.

[Raistlin]

When it's sunny I think, 'beer garden.'

When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while.

When it's snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beers.

I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather.

[Raistlin]

My teenage daughter recently lost her job but fortunately my mate is hiring for his new business making Rohypnol vodka.

He says he's going to give her a shot.

[Raistlin]

Pterodactyl begins with a "P", and so does dyslexia!

[Raistlin]

As if living in Hull wasn't depressing enough....

[Raistlin]

Over at Wembley, I have seen a lot of Arsenal fans with flares

Nice to see them wearing the same clothes they wore when they last won a trophy!

[Raistlin]

I got screwed in one of those taxis full of cameras.

£30 from London to Brixton.

[Raistlin]

I went to the swimming baths yesterday and said, "How much for two children?"

The cashier said, "£4.80."

I said, "Do I get to choose them or is it just a lucky dip?"

[Raistlin]

There's a Gary Barlow tribute act playing down my local pub tomorrow night.

He's called Fake Twat.

[Raistlin]

David Beckham's son has got a job in London coffee shop earning £2.68 an hour to teach him the value of money.

I bet it really hits home when the limo picks him up after work and takes him to his £40 million family home

[Raistlin]

A man who works in Carphone warehouse gets a text from his daughters saying,

"Dadthespacebuttonwon'tworkonmyphonesowhenyougethomegivemeanalternative"

As the man rushed home he couldn't help but wonder what "ternative" meant....